Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Countdown Post

Since it's expected I will do a short recrap, er, recap of the year.


Started great, I turned 50, had a fab party, got very drunk and still kept my friends.

Took 6 teens to Seaside Oregon for the weekend and managed to bring them all back. Great girls only time.

Spent countless hours on the internet trying to find the deals of the century so the wedding of the century would not bankrupt us.

Succeeded in pulling off the afore mentioned wedding and am only slightly bankrupt, so had to find a job.

Found the perfect job with Girl Scouts. Got paid for having fun. Unfortunately it was only temporary.

Last kid turned into a teenager. Middle kid got license, turned 18, voted in his first election and came out. Oldest kid got married.

Hubby turned 50 and made it thru the year with only a broken finger this year (knock on wood, we have a few hours left).

Got smacked in the economic stomach, like everyone else, but we are doing fine although still slightly bankrupt from the wedding.

Had a white Christmas and lived to tell about.

Did not loose, kill, maim or adopt any more cats.

My twin?

I think I must fashion my hair style after Eddie Izzard. Although he dresses fancier than I do. Maybe I need to change the color and we could be twins.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Pictures of My Friends



I like to keep busy.





I like to create things.







I really like polymer clay.

Bad Hair Day

I hate my hair. Not just today but most every day. I'm getting it cut later today which is good but it never makes me really happy. Most people I know are unhappy with their hair. It's either too straight, too curly, the color is drab, there is too much gray, the list goes on. We spend a fortune on hair products. Shampoo, conditioners, gels, hairspray, coloring products, clips, bands, rollers, blowers, straighteners, etc.

I have been coloring my hair since 1992. I have been coloring it the same color always except for a weak moment when I tried a different brand and the result was most unfortunate. So now I stick with what I know and like. Right now my roots are showing....a lot! It seems that I have more gray than brown hairs now. A few years ago, I was complaining about the gray hairs and my son who was about 7 told me that I didn't have any gray hairs. I said, I have tons of them! Look at all the white on my head. He said, White hairs!?! yes, you have loads of white hairs just not any gray ones. So after my hair cut I will color again as I'm not quite ready to go natural. Some women look so great but I think I just look old. So not for me. Right now I look like a skunk with my whitish stripe down the part and my snow white temples. If it was sunny, I'm sure the glare off my silver streak could signal planes.

But the gray is easy to fix, my hair is not. I wear it short because it gives me some control over it. You see, the left side of my hair is curly and the top, back and right side is straight. It has my hair stylist baffled and me annoyed. I spend each day with the gel and spray, taming the curl off one side while trying to put some wave in the other to balance things out. It's a battle that I don't always win.

Now don't get me started on my cow lick. Its at the nape and all my kids have it too. Gotta love genetics.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Battle of the Bed

Rob and I don't get along in bed. At least not while we try to sleep. Rob loves to be sweaty hot under the sheets. I prefer to be almost cool. This causes some problems.

On our bed we have sheets, thin blanket, quilt and comforter. We get into bed and I toss the comforter over to Rob's side so now he has a double layer. He wants to snuggle up to me to warm up as when we get into bed, he is always ice cold and I am warm. I get into bed hoping to cool down as the sheets are a bit icy but Rob needs me to make him warm. So after about 3 minutes, I push him over and say, "too hot!" At this point, I also throw off the quilt so it's just me, the sheet and blanket. I also sleep next to the open window. No, I don't care that there is snow on the ground, I need air!

Finally everyone is at their prime temperature and we can sleep. I sleep on my right side almost on my tummy facing the middle of the bed. Rob likes to lie on his back right in the middle of the bed. This is not good if I don't get to sleep first because my husband snores. The men in his family are famous for their snoring. So if he starts to snore and it keeps me awake, I just go in with the 2 prong attack. (I poke him with 2 fingers) He will roll to his right side and the snoring lessens or stops. This also moves him to his side of the bed and I have some room. During this maneuvering he seldom wakes up. Unfortunately he doesn't stay on his side. His butt starts to creep towards me until he is snuggled up close. This makes me too hot. Now when I get too hot, I wake up and I get a bit cranky. I will gently push him over. If this doesn't work, I try the 2 prong attack. Sometimes, it's necessary to put a knee in his back and shove.

Even though he is now back in his territory, mine is now uninhabitable and must be cooled down. I will throw off the covers and flap my nightie up and down to create a breeze. Sometimes I have to get up and stand naked in the bathroom until things cool down. Finally I can return and try to sleep.

Last night all of this happened but one more thing. He didn't stop snoring. No amount of maneuvering turned the volume down. I ended up moving to the living room couch as sleep was not happening there. I had even tried waking him and telling him he was snoring but I don't think he even remembers we spoke.

So today I am tired. I hope to get to sleep first tonight before the battle starts anew. It can get worse than last night. Sometimes there is a cat in the bed too. There is nothing that heats me up like sleeping with a warm pussy and radiator man.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

MORE SNOW ON THE WAY!

Remember Jack in the Shining? I need to venture out today or put the ax away. Living on a hill is great because we don't worry about floods but getting off the hill is the trick right now. Rob said the road was fine getting down the hill, but it's the parking lots at the grocery I worry about. I'm not going to risk falling and smacking my head just for my diet coke fix.

Operation Just in Case is in effect. I'm thawing my turkey in case I have to make Christmas dinner here instead of heading to the great white north and the in-laws. Christmas Bowling might be cancelled this year too!!!

Hate the fucking snow!

Monday, December 22, 2008

It's Snowing Again, the Snow Gods have Won

Ok, enough already. I live on the wet side of the mountains for a reason. If I want snow, I go to it. During winter, I expect rain. Not freezing rain, just good old wet rain. It's what keeps everything so green here. We have more snow than I have seen since moving to me town 18 years ago. It's everywhere. I don't like to go out it and I worry when those I love go out in it. Rob is a cop and has to work, they don't close down crime just for the weather. He took the van today. He said, "Won't you need it?" Like I was going to get in the van and cruise around looking at all the pretty snow. I can see plenty of it from my own windows in the house, thank you very much.
For the last few years, the weatherpeople have been saying that "this is the winter we have been dreading, it's going to be the worst winter in history". The El Nino, or El Nina or the Pinta or the Santa Maria phenomenon or some such bull shit. So is this it? I bow down to the weather gods. So now can it stop? I get it, snow gods have scored a hit, I am but a humble servant who now knows my place.
Look at the icicles on my poor roses. (yes, I didn't dead head them, I left them for the birds so my cats could catch them more easily)

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Cats versus Them

So yesterday, big brave Fig kills a beautiful bird in the backyard and thinks he is the man, er, the cat! So today, Rob is in the laundry room checking on the condensation pump to the furnace and sees a big mouse (it was a rat!) Rob grabs Figaro and puts him in the little area where the furnace is and Fig freaks out. I'm in the kitchen and open the door to a flash of cat. Rob then sees a flash of rat go under the laundry room door that leads to the garage. He blockaded the gap under the door so now we have a rat in the garage. I think we should send Charlie in there. He is the king mouser, er, rat killer. It isn't even that big a rat. I'm sure the rat isn't going to leave the garage as there is 6 inches of snow outside. Tomorrow, Rob is going to get some traps or else Rob will be spending time in the garage with the mouse, er, rat!

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Local News Headline: "Nasty Night Coming"

We are gearing up for a big storm here. They are expecting strong winds, snow and perhaps freezing rain. We hooked up the horses to the wagon and went to the local general store to load up on provisions. Ok, we hopped in the van and went to Fred Meyer. Rob, such a gentleman, dropped me at the door and about 20 minutes later finally found a parking spot and the very edge of the lot and skated in to find that I was almost done with our shopping. I made sure we had things that we can cook on the camp stove if needed as the last time we had strong winds, the power was out for a long time. We were lucky to only have it out about 24 hours, others had no power for almost a week.

At the store I ran into one of my neighbors who was so worried about the power and what to do about the food in the fridge. Duh, their garage is totally an icebox right now, probably too cold! I figure the laundry room in my house is a tad bit warmer than the garage, so we can just make that area the fridge. I don't think food spoilage will be an issue.

The store was a zoo. I don't think I've ever been there when they had all 22 registers open. They had 4 u-scans, 4 Express lanes, and the rest were miles long. No one wants to be caught unprepared.

We are prepared with flash lights and candles and logs for a fire. We can cook out doors as long as the wind doesn't knock us down. I have my lexan coffee press and my jet boil stove that boils water in 90 seconds. As long as there is coffee we can survive.

The cats won't like the wind and won't like not having the heat registers blowing on them. But they will survive by cuddling with us. Not that we want to cuddle Figaro. We heard terrible squawking in the back today. Fig had a bird. A beautiful woodpecker. This is the second bird I've seen him with this week. We also had to very large mice left at the door. I know that cats are just doing what cats do, but I still makes me sad. My neighbor to the back, heard the commotion, saw what was going on and closed her curtains. I bet she hates my cats.

Please don't let us lose power. I can deal with the weather, I just hate being without lights and heat!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Another Letter to Santa

Deer santa, This is frm the cats. we need stuff. ar pets dont feed us enuf. we has to wait fur em too oppen cans. bring us thums or hands. we ar sure that As Seen On TV must haf hands fur cats. they haf good things. we too lik the knifes in the man. we think this is funny. must haf been made by a cat.
we need mouses. if yu put em in ar stocking then we dont need to go out in the cold to git em.
we has been so good that yu can give us mor cat nip. it is good fur us and we will be so happy.
frm the cats

Need some last minute Christmas Gifts?

Check out these great gift ideas from "As Seen on TV"










Knife set for that "Happy Couple"




















For those politically minded friends: the Hillary Nutcracker and the Bill Corkscrew















Or this nifty light for finding your way... "honey, where'd ya say your clitoris was again?"















And for those follicle challenged, spray on hair!











On-line shopping has never been so much fun!! Or go to their retail store at a mall near you!

Snow Update

Kids are whining. We are one of the few school districts in the area that is still open. We have a half inch of new snow. Rob rode his bike to the bus stop, took the bus to the train and then rode to city hall from the train. He said the rodes were fine. The only problem he had was that his fender came off yesterday when I picked him up at the train. It's still in the van and now he has a stripe like a skunk up his back from the salt and mud.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

We have heat!

Got my Christmas Present today. The furnace is fixed and we are a bit poorer. Luckily I was cutting back this year and didn't over spend.... until today. Control panel shorted and this shorted out the blower. Nice repairman came and by 4:30pm we had heat.

Shit happens. The cats are much happier now that they can lay on the vents again. Charlie kept poking me with his claw, indignant that there was no heat!

Brrrr....Cold... Furnace is on a Vacation

My furnace is not working. It snowed last night, we might get more snow today and the fucking furnace decides it doesn't want to blow. Hey, I'm the only one around here that gets to make that kind of decision. I decide who blows around here and the furnace is the number one blower.

The house was 54 degrees this morning when we got up. Rob and I stared blankly at the furnace trying to decipher the blinking red light of doom that is suppose to tell us what the problem is. We are clueless and Rob left for the nice warm office. The kids left for the nice warm school. The repair people will be here after noon. I'm not too freezing though. We own a couple of space heaters (although not the super big ones, these are small so you have to sit with it blowing up your robe to feel the heat, if you know what I mean) and I turned the oven on (it's electric! no one will die) I have lots of hot water so I will take a hot shower, dive into the bed where my clothes are, I will warm them up and put them on. Then it's off to the nice warm store to finish my Christmas shopping.

The house is now 63 degrees but it's starting to snow again. We may or may not get more measurable snow. We tend to miss the snow that hits the Puget Sound region. In the north and in the south they get hit hard but us...not so much. We must live in the banana belt.

I do think it warmed up enough to pry the dead rat one of the cats left in the driveway and dispose of it. The cats are so nice to leave us such gifts!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Walking Round in Women's Underwear...

I just want to sing. It's so beautiful outside, a winter wonderland. Well, we got snow. Not the Winter Storm 2008 that was originally predicted but we got about an inch plus on the grass. The streets, well, at least the driveway, where I went to get the paper, is laced with ice and very crunchy.

The cats are freaked out by it. Fig was so upset that his public restroom (the back garden) was covered with this icy cold stuff that he decided to take a dump on my bathroom rug. He comes in from the cold, decides he wants to be with us in our room, then starts whining. He goes into the bathroom for a bit then starts scratching on the rug. Rob goes into the bathroom and chases him out. He goes back in and keeps scratching, so I go in. I'm about bowled over by the smell, which Rob missed entirely (and thankfully he didn't step in it, although that might have clued him in to the fact that the cat shit in the bathroom!!) I ended up cleaning it up and spraying down the room as it stank! I have to say I can't blame Rob for missing the poop, as he has problems smelling which is good and bad.

The thing I hate about snow here is that it doesn't stay cold enough so it will start to melt, then during the night it freezes and the morning is so damn icy and since we live on a hill, it's dangerous to get anywhere. I know that I'm not a good winter road driver, so I try not to but the rest of people out there scare me to death. I've a friend from a more snowy region of the US who goes on and on about how people here don't know how to drive in the snow. She's right. Of course she did have to get pulled out of the ditch in front of her house, but that's different, right? I just figure we don't get the practice of driving in the snow when it happens maybe 2 to 3 days out of the year.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Winter Storm Watch 2008.....

Danger Jim from the local TV station warned us of the impending winter storm coming our way. We need to gear up for the worst cold for 50 million years...or something like that. He stands at the beach, waves crashing around him, the wind whipping his perfect hair. Oh, the wind, gusts to 100, no, 60, no, 45 mph are expected. It will be a winter wonderland when we get up.

At 6pm, we took Nik to a friend's house and on the way we saw a transformer or insulator explode on a electric pole, there was about 3 bright flashes. We were impressed, having never seen this before. Of course this meant her friends were in the dark. Luckily they were all going to church. (yes, my daughter was going to church and we were going to a party, sinners all the way)

Well, we were at this party and got home at 11:45pm last night and there was a dusting of snow on the ground. We snuggled up, warm in our bed. At 5:30am the cats got me up. As I let them out, I braced for the impact of being snowed in....eh, there was a sloppy wet dusting of snow, er, slush on the lawn and it was raining. The cats spent about a minute out, then plopped down in front of their bowls for breakfast. I fed them and went back to bed. I chatted with Rob about "Winter Storm Not 2008" and told him a fed the cats so if he got up before me not to fall for their terrorist demands.

I crashed until 9am. Came down to the aroma of coffee and scones (love the man who cooks!). He informs me that he also fed the cats. Then smacks himself in the head. "But they acted like they were starving! I forgot what you said!" Now our well fed cats are sleeping off their feeding orgy by laying on the heat registers.

I'm happy, there is no snow, we have power, I got coffee and scones and Rob is planning on cooking dinner too!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Jury Duty Part 2

Today was the second day of my civic duty for my county. I boarded the bus and today it was warm. I dozed off and it was really nice. I checked in and found one of the dismissed jurors I was with yesterday (not Mr. political cause) and he and I chatted a bit about life etc. Suddenly he hits himself on the head and says, "I get it, I've been looking at your button and couldn't figure out what you making a statement about." I've been wearing this button for 20 years and I love it.


Anyway, at 10:15am, they dismissed us and we got to go home. I head out to catch a bus to the airport. It is so crowded I stand the whole way. Once there I wait 20 minutes for the bus to my town. Yipee, now I get to ride thru all my favorite areas of the south county. Finally we near the park and ride and my stop. Guess what? This bus doesn't stop there! I ring the bell and get off and hike to my car. It wasn't that far, but it was very cold and I forgot my mittens! It took me 2 hours to get home, but I did my duty and I was almost disappointed that I didn't get to be on a jury.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

I didn't get to throw the book at anyone...

I went to the big city today to do my civic duty...Jury duty! This is the 3rd time in about a year I have been called to serve before that it was 31 years since my last summons.

I took the bus in, something I haven't done regularly for over 6 years. It took an hour to get there. There is a county courthouse about 10 minutes from my home, but I don't get a choice to go there. It makes about as much sense as having my mother-in-law who lives in the big city get sent to suburbia where I live to serve her jury duty. She had to take 3 buses to get there. It hasn't gotten any better going to the city and still took an hour for me to get there. I check in and then wait. After a while we get to listen to instructions, watch an instructional video and then wait some more. The clerk finally calls names for the first jury panel. 40 names, I was number 13. Off to the 7th floor to meet the bailiff. She has us line up in numerical order and then leads us to the courtroom. She stops and says, "number 13, please come to the front of the line" Hey that's me, what the heck did I do now, I haven't even set foot in the courtroom yet. Well, number 13 gets to lead the first 12 into the jury box and number 13 gets to sit right next to them. The others just took seats in the spectator section. Then the judge gives us more instructions, he introduces the cast - defendant, his attorney, the prosecutor, the clerk, the court reporter. Then he reads the charges and asks us if we know any of the witnesses listed. Finally the judges starts asking us questions to see what kind of people we are. Most of us seem fairly normal, just doing our duty. There was one nutcase who on hearing that this was a drug related case decides to expound on his beliefs that the USA is wasting taxpayers money on the war on drugs, yada yada yada. Every time the panel was asked something, this guy had something to say. Finally it's lunch, and we all race out of there for an hour and a half.

After lunch, the prosecutor and the defense attorney ask their questions. Then they start eliminating jurors. I was the first one the defense excused. I think it might have had something to do with the fact my husband is a cop. I don't know if Mr. political activist got dismissed or not. Anyway it was 3pm and I was so ready to go home. And since it went til 3pm I only had to take one bus home. If I had had to leave earlier I'd have had to take at least 2 buses and it would have been 2 hours to get home instead of an hour. All this fun for $10 a day.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Letters to Santa

Someone suggested to me that my teenage Girl Scouts should contact the post office and offer their services to respond to the Letters to Santa that they receive. Think how thoughtful it would be for little boys and girls to get an actual answer to their letter. Then I started thinking about it, especially when Nicole said it would probably be a good idea for me to review the answers before they are mailed back.

I'm sure it will be something like this:

"Dear Santa, I want a cute cuddly teddy bear and book of poems. Love, Anna"
"Dear Anna, Teddy's are so out, I'm going to bring you Bondage Barbie and a subscription to Cosmo Girl. Peace out, Santa!"

"Dear Santa, Please bring me a Star Wars light saber and some action figures. Your good friend, Bobby"
"Dear Bobby, Star Wars is so lame and action figures are just dolls for boys, you are gay. Here is a gift card to Abercrombie, try to look cool at least. Yo, Santa"

"Dear Santa, I want a wii, an xbox, a Nintendo DS and an iPod. And games for all and iTunes cards. I have been very good, Molly"
"Dear Molly, You couch potato! Get outside and do something. Santa will bring your lazy butt a bike and you will like it! Love to you always, Santa"

"Dear Santa, I hope you and Mrs Claus are doing well this year. And that the elves and reindeer are happy and healthy. If it wouldn't be too much trouble, I'd like a bb gun for Christmas. I'm so glad we could meet at the mall. Love, Ralphie"
"Dear Ralphie, What a brown noser you are! That phoney at the mall didn't even have a real beard! As for a bb gun. You'll shoot you eye out, kid! From the REAL Santa!"

Of course that is just my fear of what might happen. They would never do anything like that....

Small Town Fun

I had a good day at the craft fair yesterday. I was positioned between my father-in-law who was selling hand carved wooden letter openers and my neighbor Joell who made hand stamped cards.

I was selling earrings, mini Christmas Stockings and small wallets. Here are some of the Shrinky Dink earrings I made to sell at the craft fair.
















Here is a picture of a couple of my cozy wallets as I call them. They are big enough for your ID, a bank card or 2, some change and folded paper money. They are great for stuffing into your pocket when you don't want to carry a purse.
I made about $130 and I had fun chatting with so many people. I live in a fairly small community and so it's not hard to find someone you know.
After the fair, I met my Daisy Girl Scouts in town and we walked in the Santa Parade. They were dressed as Christmas Presents and were very cute, shyly waving at the crowds. The best part was IT DIDN'T RAIN!! I love my town.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Slangisms, Part 2

Because I have so much to do today getting ready for the craft fair tomorrow, I am slacking off again and taking the easy way out by bringing you Slangisms, Part 2.
Lego Hair: a particularly shitty male haircut in which the sides cover the ears and the hair appears to be "snap on".

Destinesia: When you get to where you were intending to go, you forget why you were going there in the first place. Not to be confused with being stoned, destinesia often occurs during working hours, and is the cause of much frustration.

Flatuglance: The look that someone gives another person when they pass gas in public.

Farticles: The particles of air contaminated after someone or something lets out gas.

Textpectation: The anticipation one feels when waiting for a response to a text message.

Mouse potato: Someone who spends all their time on the computer surfing the net or playing games.

Slangisms, Part 1

I was browsing the Urban Dictionary today and came across some entries that I enjoyed:

Homobrophobia: The fear that your brother will be or is gay.

Sargasm: Deriving far too much satisfaction from glibly berating another with sarcasm.

Deja moo: The feeling that you have heard this bullshit before.

Mass merchanditis: The hazy feeling one gets after spending too much time shopping at large chain stores including but not limited to Walmart, Home Depot, and Bed, Bath and Beyond. Characterized by a headache, dry eyes, blurred vision, blank stare, sore feet.

Stoptional: When the braking of a car is left to one's choice due to an unnecessary stop sign.

The Spousal We: The opposite of the royal we, meaning "you". Used by your significant other to get you to do something.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Black Friday

It's the day after Thanksgiving and the biggest shopping day of the year. The malls are opening at 4am! WTF? This is ridiculous. The poor store clerks who make god awful wages and now they have to open the doors to those nuts who have given in to the hype and sales incentives that keep the insanity going. I will admit that I am going to Joann's later this morning to take advantage of their 50% off notions and the great deals on craft supplies, but hey, I'm a Girl Scout leader and I have a craft fair next week. But I will not spend hours at the malls.

Nicole wants to spend hours at the mall. She got her grade money (yes I pay the kids for good grades - it started out with Aaron as an incentive but backfired with Nicole as she is the straight A student!) I will be texting her later this morning to remind her that the spirit of the season is about giving and wouldn't it be a great day to buy gifts, especially something for her mom!

Today is also the day I struggle with if it is time for the Christmas Tree and decorations to go up. When we had a real tree we never put it or outside lights up until a week before Christmas. Now that we have artificial, we can decorate early. I have more time this weekend to do this as next weekend I have a craft fair and Rob is hunting all weekend. Then it's suddenly 2 weeks before Christmas and things get frenzied.

The thing about the Christmas Tree going up now is that I get to spend a month getting the cats out of the tree, not just out from under the tree but out of the tree. Yeah, yeah, they are a year older but Charlie was just as much an offender at this tree terrorizing as the younger two, so I'm nervous. Cleo has put on weight and I can see the branches not holding up under her weight. Fig will climb to test if we are paying enough attention to him and Charlie will lie in wait under the tree to only leap out at unsuspecting individuals walking by.

I love the drama and fun of the holiday season though and the smells of baking when I make my 60 loaves of pumpkin bread to give away. I guess I better get that tree up today, time, she is a wasting!

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Hey, Hey, It's Turkey Day!

The Turkey is in the oven, the pies are baked and safe from marauding cats. The house is clean, ok, it's respectable. Thank god my friends and family are generous and not critical because, hey!! I'm the one doing all the cooking. Except the rolls, my friend Jackie is making homemade rolls. She is a bread baker, loves it.

So my son is serving dinner at a local church for about 4 hours today. Before you think that he is a warm generous person, he is doing community service to wipe 2 speeding tickets off his record and he needs com serv hours to graduate.

Nicole spend the nice at Jackie's house so she wasn't here to mess up the living room and bathrooms. Rob is learning and has been taking directions well with the response, "yes dear" so that's good.

My sister is feeling better, she has been sick recently so she is coming over. Brianne and Marcus will be here, I don't have to share them with too many other people although I'm sure they will be having a second dinner or dessert elsewhere.

My brother's kids are all sick so they won't be coming. This means that my house will not be torn apart and have sticky finger marks everywhere. The cats are happy about this too.

So I have lots to be thankful for. In fact, everyday I'm thankful for what I have, that I love and I am loved.

So Happy Thanksgiving to all even those like my sister in Norway for whom it's just another Thursday. Everyday should be Thanksgiving Day, just without all the food.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Googling

I have been following Google Analytics and here are some of the recent keyword searches that brought people to my blog site. Here are some of my favorites. For obvious reasons, cat and brain figure prominently.

when this shit get in my brain

projectile shit

brain moss

can't cope with defeat

cat ate raw thanksgiving turkey, can turkey be saved

cat ate shower curtain

how can you tell if cat ate a magnet

i ate my cat

my cat ate my food now i feel sick

prince butt

the cow ate my brain 2

What I find really interesting is that the first one "when this shit get in my brain" has visited my site 11 times since I set up tracking on Nov 15th. This means that one person is using these keywords to get to my site, or 11 people are searching Google for this phrase. I'd be very interested to find out which it is.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

The High Cost of Living

I saved nearly $10,000 today.

Rob and I were out shopping and saw some great deals on Flat Screen TVs. The prices were really good but it's the hidden costs that get you every time.

I figure if we bought a flat screen tv we would need to get rid of tv cabinet that we currently have and get something that fits the new TV.

If we do that, it will not match our bookcases, so we would need to get new ones. Then there are the end tables and coffee table. Yep, gotta get new ones. This would look great but....

The sofa and love seat are looking shabby and with the new furniture we would need to replacement too. And what about those lamps?!? So last century!

Of course, then there's the walls. We would need to paint as it's been too too long and then there is the ceiling. We might want to finally remove that popcorn.

Don't get me started on the carpet. The carpet is so old that the pad underneath makes crunchy noises in places. So we need new carpet.

And of course those IKEA drapes won't work anymore and we probably could use new pictures for the walls.

All those hidden costs just add up!

We were both exhausted thinking about all the work a flat screen tv would cause plus the expense so I decided we should just get a new wii game instead.

I figure I saved us $9,950.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Doing Guy Stuff

Most of Rob's friends are the guys he works with. They like to do fun guy things together. Like fishing and hunting.

These all require state of the art equipment. And each of his friends have their passion that they spend the big bucks on. Rob's is bikes. On the fishing and hunting gear he tends to go on the cheap side. One of his friends likes to buy quality fishing lures although from the stories I hear, it hasn't helped catch more fish. Another friend is into guns and so he has quite a collection.


So for Rob's birthday, he got a ton of gift cards to places like REI, Joe's Sports, Sportman's Warehouse and of course Cabelas. Cabelas built a giant store not far from here. Complete with a mountain that has real stuffed animals and birds that these hunters never shoot and an aquarium of the fish that they never catch. But they have the gear here to keep that dream alive. And they always need more gear. Boys and their Toys.

So yesterday at 8:30am as I was heading off to work, Rob and 2 friends headed out with gift cards in hand. They have a hunting trip planned for December so they need to gear up. So off they go. ROAD TRIP!

I don't mind all this guy stuff, it keeps Rob busy and it's important to have friends to play with. But for all the planning and all the equipment, you'd think they would be more successful. Take the fishing. They spend hours and hours standing in rivers or sitting in boats and they come home with nothing. When they do catch anything at least while fishing from a boat, they are on a catch and release program. They let them go!! WTF and what's the point?!? They have never caught anything when standing in a river so I can't say what they might do there, but come on guys, don't you want to eat?

Now the hunting. They go bird hunting. For pheasants and quails. I have seen pheasants, I saw one in our town one day. They have never gotten a pheasant while hunting, they very seldom get a shot off while hunting. Rob has shot quail. Have you ever eaten a quail? They are small, tiny, you need about 20 per person for a meal. I placed a quail next to a cornish game hen once. The game hen looked like the size of a turkey, a large turkey. In the years since Rob has been hunting, he has gotten 3 quail. So why travel for hundreds of miles and tromp thru mud and wet cold fields? Because it's fun and then at night they get to watch guy movies, like Blazing Saddles, Airplane and the Jerk. At home. we have stopped looking forward to feasting after one of his trips.

So Rob went shopping yesterday for gear. He got a new fishing rod so he can catch and release more fish. And he got some new jeans. These jeans have special leg coverings to keep you safe from sticker bushes are you stalk those poor tiny birds that you won't get to shoot. He and those great hunters were out shopping until 2pm. 5 and a half hours of great guy fun. The testosterone was flowing. As he was getting into bed last night I peeked at him, yep, there is definitely a change in the appearance of his back. Back Hair, it's a guy thing, I guess.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Aaron's Piece of Shit

About a year ago, we got our son a car. A traditional POS car (for those not in the know, POS = Piece of Shit). He was just 17, a new driver and it was a good first car. We had to put a couple hundred into it for some body work and a few more recently for some engine work but it gets him around and that's what he needs. He had been complaining that it still looks like crap and he is embarrassed to be seen in it, so I told him get a job and you can get a newer car. Simple, right? Well, he hasn't gotten a job so he has resigned himself to driving this heap.

It had sustained some front end damage at one point and the front end is not very straight. We didn't realize how this might effect things until Aaron's hood flew up and was blocking his view out the windshield. Aaron managed to pull over without hitting anything. He was unhappy with his car and started complaining and called his car "gay". "My car is so gay!!", he declared. Since Aaron is gay, I figured that being gay was a good thing and told him so. "So you like the car." He just rolled his eyes and we fixed the car.

Last night Aaron calls me. "My car lost a whole lot of oil in Brandon's driveway" "and this can thing came off" I asked him where he was and he said he had just left to drive home. Of course I freaked out and screamed at him to stop driving now as his oil filter and all the oil was gone. I had to explain that this was a VERY BAD THING.

So Aaron got to use his AAA membership and had his car towed home. Today he called my friends who were home because it turns out there isn't a jack in his car and he needed to get under to replace the filter. They lent him a jack and took him to get the oil and filter.

So Aaron and the gay POS are back on the road for more adventures.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

What the Buck?? er, Starbuck

A while ago I wrote about a problem I had with Starbucks and that I did not have a satisfying experience at one of their stores. I had emailed their customer website to explain my situation. They promised me free drink coupons. This was in September.

Last week I emailed them again and said this: "I have to tell you that I did appreciate the sentiment behind the kind email that was generated due to my poor customer service experience. I was touched that you thought to send coupons for free beverages. I probably would have returned to Starbucks if I had ever received the coupons but after 2 months I figure it's become a non issue and I'm not going to get them. We had a great time together and I'm sure we will see each other from time to time but I'm just one customer and losing my business will not effect your company's bottom line and I do prefer other coffees and mostly just patronized your stores for the convenience."

Then the next day I read this in the Seattle Times: Profit takes big hit as Starbucks readjusts to bad economy
It's been a rough year for Starbucks, which saw a 97 percent profit drop in the fourth quarter and a sharp decline in traffic and spending at U.S. stores.

So now I'm feeling guilty that my boycott really may have effected the company and I feel badly for sending such an unfeeling email when they are definitely suffering. So I am going to go back to Starbucks and use those coupons that came in the mail yesterday. Okay, that won't help their bottom line at all, but I get free coffee and that's what is important.

Free Milk

I'm always reading about creative marriage proposals. You know what I mean, the skywriting, the billboard, the guy on a white horse. I didn't get any of those but it doesn't make the moment any less special to me.

Rob and I had been living together for about a year and we hadn't talked about the M word at all. Both of us had been married before and had a bit of "baggage" left over from that. Emotional Baggage. I had also come with a ready made family of a toddler and a pre-teen but I think Rob was very attracted to my having kids, he was so good to and with them. So we were just coasting along, shacking up but no long term plans.

This was starting to bother me. I knew I wanted to marry him when he came over to my house after we had been dating a few months and he found me struggling to clean my house gutters. I don't do ladders so I am on the 2nd step of the ladders, stretching up with a trowel, trying to dig the gunk out. He immediately climbs onto my roof with the hose and trowel and cleans off the roof and cleans out the gutters and down spouts. I was in love. No one had ever offered to clean my gutters before. I asked him to move in that day.

When I was young, my mother always warned us not to cheapen ourselves. That we should hold out for marriage. That the farmer won't buy the cow if you give the milk away for free. I was starting to feel after a year of living together that I was that cow. I wasn't unhappy, in fact I had never been happier in my whole life. But I was thinking it was time to tie the knot. Especially as we had been talking about extending that milk production by making a baby together. So I went off the pill.

I was now officially trying to have a baby and I was happy about that but I was grumbling to anyone who would listen (except Rob, of course) about the milk/cow issue. On one particularly sunny July day, I made dinner rather moodily, cleaned up and was sitting at the table reading a magazine, muttering to myself. Rob comes over to me and kneels down next to me. I'm thinking, great, what does he want? He's going to try and cheer me up with his Mr. Nice Guy humor. So I look over at him and he mumbles something at me. I instantly think he said," Will you marry me?" I shout "YES!" Then it hits me, maybe he didn't say that, maybe I just agreed to something else. He did kind of mumble. But I realized that Brianne who was on the phone with a friend is screaming into the phone, "Robert just asked my mom to marry him!" Yeah! I was going to become a happy cow!! No more free milk!

Sunday, November 16, 2008

The Pickup Artist

My kids have asked how I met Dad. I tell them we met through friends but really I picked him up in a bar.

Back in the '90's before AOL, they had chat rooms called BBS's - Bulletin Board Systems. Back when we had mono chrome monitors.... ok, it was a long time ago. This was a dial up connection and was normally local. I belonged to such a BBS called Hello Central. We would chat online but also plan BBS Meets or Get Togethers. One such outing was at a bar/restaurant called Spensers. I went as I didn't have my kids and I wanted a night out with friends and dancing. We met in our usual corner of the bar and I had the usual group of losers, unemployed geeks ...er, men, trying to hit on me. I noticed a guy sitting by himself just observing us and thought he looked employed, normal, nice. So I decided to chat him up. Turns out he was employed, normal and nice. He started following me around and joined the group of losers, unemployed geeks,...er, men and I felt like the most desired woman in the place. I got the nice guys user name (we used our online names for security reasons – mine was Chris, okay, I wasn't trying to be clever, shesh!).

When I got home I emailed Case, as that was his userid, that I had enjoyed meeting him. This started an email relationship that went on for a few weeks. We were both leery of starting anything as we had both been thru dating hell and didn't want to invest too much too soon. I finally emailed him my phone number and we started a phone relationship for a couple more weeks.

One night I mentioned that I had gone to a local bar with friends for karaoke. He said that was in the town he worked and to let me know when we were going again and he would stop by after work. I of course said we would be there that weekend. I immediately called my friends to set this up. They all claimed poverty so I said I'd pay. You have to understand I was a poor single mom without much disposable income.

So the weekend comes, we head out. My friends picked me up with the understanding that if things worked out well with Robert, then he could take me home. Was this dangerous? I thought not as he was a COP! My friends turned out to be very hungry and thirsty that night and I had dropped about $60 before Rob even showed up. But he did show up and we sat very close as we poured over the song book decided what to sing. Now I am a horrible singer…. Truly awful. This night I was even worse as I was hoarse from a long lasting cough so my voice was sexy...er, raspy. Rob has a great voice and sang wonderfully. I sang the song, “hey big spender” badly. He took me home anyway. We stayed up talking until about 4am. I finally sent him home and he shook my hand at the door. I was disheartened that he didn't at least try to steal a kiss after keeping me up so late. I was afraid he would never call me again. Obviously I was wrong.

Happy 14th Anniversary and Happy 50th Birthday Robert. This has been a great week because this had been a great life.

Blowing in a Group

As an extention of Rob's birthday weekend we went to a wine and cheese and blow party last night. No we were not using cocaine nor was this a group of swingers preforming oral sex on each other. We were blowing glass.

A group of cops and city workers have for the last 3 years gone to a Uptown Glassworks in Renton to make their own hand blown Christmas ornaments and have some food and wine, a social night out.

We were virgins on the blowing front, so we listened closely to the expert blowers who are the artists in resident at the glassworks as they explained our participation and theirs. Thankfully we were not going to be given the actually task of getting the molten glass from the furnace on to the blowpipe and sticking into the glory hole. Last night we were given a choice of making a glass ball or a bowl. Rob and I decided on balls for our Christmas tree. We were able to chose the color of our glass from about 2 dozen trays of crushed colored glass. Some were of one color or a combination of colors. We could chose up to 2 colors and then you could chose a smooth, ribbed or swirled pattern.

We all gathered around and watched as we each got our chance to create. Well we got to blow. They gave us each a sterile mouth piece (a 3 inch piece of a clear drinking straw) that we attached to a rubber tube. The actual blower then got a glob of molten glass onto the pipe got it orange hot in the glory hole, added the color and heated again. Now they attached the rubber tube and told us to blow slowly. We watched as out balls took on shape (with the help of the blowers with his wet newspaper and paddles. He then placed it in some fluffy stuff, snapped off the pipe and the other blower then brought over a rod with molten glass to fashion the hanging loops. She then took the finished ball to the annealing oven to slowly cool down. The glass bowls were similarly made except after the balls was formed, the blower instructed the blowee to suck causing the ball to collapse into itself. It was then placed on a small glob of glass to make a stand.

Of course with all this came the usual remarks about blow jobs. Hey there were cops here, they can be very raw in their humor (well, so can I so I was in good company). There was the reference to the classic SNL Chevy Chase line about blowing. The usual, "I can't get her/him to blow at home." You get the drift. The female blower said that male blowers love this job as they get to tell women to blow on command.

We had fun and can't wait to see our balls, cooled and able to be handled.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Happy Birthday to Rob!

I spent the week preparing for a huge event. My husband is 50! I had asked him months ago if I could throw him a party - just not a surprise party. I think after a certain age, you find that surprises lose their thrill.

Rob got really into it. He make a list of everyone he wanted to invite. I threw in a few of my friends that I like having around and we had our list. I sent out the evites and he called his parents who still refuse to use the computer his brother got them. Potentially we could have had about 55 guest, we had 37 RSVP's and 30 who actually came. A nice sized group.

So friday comes, I'm armed with my lists of what needs to be done. I give Rob the task of getting the family room in order while I tackled the living room, dining room, kitchen and bath. And I needed to prepare the food. Mostly the house was looking good, but I wanted it to look great as most of these people were from Rob's work and I don't want his co-workers to think our house looks anything different than what it does when we have guests. So the place looks great, I'm feeling especially proud and one of my friends shows up and she exclaims, "I love your house when it's clean" I'm franticly looking around to see who heard as now everyone knows we are slobs. Oh well, that's the way it goes.

The party was great. We had some great food, lots of beverages and great people. Quite the mix of cops and spouses, old drum corp friends, family and newer friends. Rob has been thanking me over and over again for his party. He was like a 6 year old for weeks. He was really looking forward to it. So was I, I love a good party and I was hoping to make a dent in all the leftover booze from the wedding. I'm going to have to have another party. We still have too much booze (if such a thing is possible?) I need to have an excuse to make more Articoke Dip.....mmmmmm!

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Happy Anniversary to Us

Today is our 14th anniversary. This is my second marriage. My first ended after my 12th anniversary but we weren't divorced until after the 13th one passed without fanfare. So I feel this is quite a mile stone. Not because I doubted we would would get here. Robert is wonderful and we are wonderful together. He brings out the best in me and a day never goes by that I don't appreciate what I have.

We were married in a park in Renton on Lake Washington. The day started out rainy and dull but as it came time for our little ceremony on the dock, the sun came out and we felt the warmth of it on our faces (ok the wind was cold and I almost didn't take my coat off, but I didn't want to get married in my coat!). Brianne and Aaron stood by my side, our family and friends surrounded us and Rob and I pledged our love.

Together we can face anything, do anything. I have no fears on what life can bring because he is always there.

I know that I am fortunate. That not everyone has what I have. We are all those sappy love songs but for us, its just right.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

The Power of (Magnetic) Words

I cleaned off the refrigerator today. For years we have not seen the doors or sides of the fridge for all the things attached to it.

Over the years I've had art. Those oh so cute drawings that your kids are so proud of but after five years they are begging you to take them off. Funny how those pieces of art have disappeared, not by me but by embarrassed teens.

Then there are the photos. Mostly the photo magnets of your kids at sports. My son pulled off the ones of his from soccer years. He didn't want to be reminded of how chubby he was back then.

I like to cut stuff from the comics or a cute article from the paper. Those came down today, yellowed from age.

What I had the most of was magnets. Sport schedules, advertisements, calendars from the Insurance man, etc. Those cute little butterflies and the note pads. The cute Dilbert characters with the sarcastic sayings or the bubbles you could fill in with your own witty sayings. But what I had the most was those little magnet words. I didn't have those cool poetry words or anything like that. The ones from the Science Center were good but the freebie ones from Bank of America and from a United Way campaign made for a bit of creativity in the making.

"I deserve turkey"
"I came in your hat"
"special children are like potatoes"
"power full stomachs volunteer for Thanksgiving"
"my family is from outer space"
"we loudly support fun"

I might have to put these back. "empower positive thinking"

Saturday, November 8, 2008

My Daughter is a Super Hero

Rob let Charlie, my orange tabby, in from the back yard last weekend. Charlie came racing in and ran into the living where he dropped a very live mouse onto the carpet. I was upstairs in bed, trying to rest when I hear all hell break out.

Nik starts screaming at Charlie, who is confused now since all he wanted to do was play with his "toy" in the house where it was warm and dry. Charlie grabs the mouse in his mouth as Nik chases him around the room. What great fun! Charlie decides to let the mouse get in on the chasing fun and drops the mouse. Meanwhile Rob is standing open mouthed while this all plays out, trying to formulate a plan on how to capture this mouse. The mouse takes off running toward the TV cabinet and Nik dives in and grabs it with her BARE HANDS. She runs to the front door and tosses the mouse out into the front yard. So before Rob can do a thing, Nicole has saved the day!

A couple days later Rob lets Charlie in again. Does he check to see if Charlie is carrying? Nope! In runs Charlie, mouth full of mouse! This time he decides to head upstairs to the bedrooms and have his snack. Eagle eye Nik spots the dangling mouse and chases Charlie up the stairs and into her bedroom. In defeat, Charlie drops the mouse, which Nik snags and tosses out the front door.

This time though she was a little grossed out since the mouse was already dead.

Nicole scolded her irresponisible father for his lack of observation. He is a detective and has highly tuned senses, right? We are not letting Rob open doors to cats anymore.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Collections

Lots of people collect things. Teacups, vases, sports memorabilia, etc...you get the picture. One thing many of us collect is Stamps. I'm not talking about postage stamps. This is more of a metaphor.

Many of us compartmentalize our relationships with people like a page in a stamp album. We start with a nice clean page and we add that first stamp that represents this person. This can be a mint condition stamp or a common everyday stamp or a dirty, torn stamp that doesn't please us but we add it anyway. As our relationship builds, we add more stamps. This increases or decreases the value of our stamp album. The glue we use is strong, we can't remove some of these stamps. Some stamps are so big, there leaves no room for more stamps. Sometimes we try to cover over a stamp but find it hard when that stamp is so big.

I collect stamps. I'm not always happy about my stamp collecting. I sometimes collect other people's stamps for them. These are a sheer copy of their stamps and I let them color over my stamps. Sometimes I'm strong enough to redesign a stamp so I can't remember what it used to look like.

I hand out my own stamps, some of these are glorious stamps, some are decayed and rotting. I keep a page of my own stamps that I go over and over, adding more glue to some, picking at the corners of others. Sometimes a friend helps me remove a stamp, this can be difficult as traces of that stamp are always there.

I wish that I collect Chocolates instead.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

We The People

Today I voted.

Thirty two years ago I voted for the first time. I pulled the lever on a rainy night in New Jersey for my candidate. I was 18 years old. I was proud to be an American.

Today I voted. I cast my ballot on a rainy morning in Washington for my candidate. I am now 50 years old. I am proud to be an American.

One nation. My nation. Our nation.

The United States of America

We are a nation of many colors.

Red, White and Blue

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Helloween

Halloween is the most favorite of all holidays for me. But this year was hell. I got sick and I didn't get as much pleasure out of terrorizing children as I normally do. My yard display was meager at best and my porch was creepy but not nearly as I would have liked. I just didn't have the energy to create realistic graves to go with my headstones. I only carved one pumpkin and it wasn't my best. I only put out 2 boxes of bones and my small dead body was lifeless (okay, that could be a good thing but he had no character) I didn't even put out all the black lights. I did get a new spooky sounds CD and that was fun.
And get this, I was too wiped out to put on my nun costume and chastize the evil children at the door with my ruler!

Next year will be better, I will plan early, I will not get sick. I will get Rob to help me make that wooden coffin I've be longing for....
These pics are after I took the headstones out of the yard and were letting them dry off from the rain.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Spooky Times Ahead

I really like Halloween. I have many boxes of decorations. I don't like happy halloween stuff. I don't have inflatables or smiling ghosts or witches. I have a graveyard and cob webs. A cauldron full of bones, strob and black lights.

So I'm putting up the Halloween decorations today and realize that I'm missing a box of bones! Somewhere in that bike shop we call a garage are my special all weather body parts. I placed the grave stones out but I really need those bones to add that special something. I have 2 other boxes of bones but they are the special life like bones that under no circumstances will I allow them to get rained on. So tomorrow I will be back in the garage searching for those bones.

We will add a few carved pumkins, a small dead body and some scary noises and music. I will put on my nun habit (what's halloween without catholic guilt?) and hand out treats to those brave enough to come to the door.

What a great holiday!

Thursday, October 23, 2008

A Fairy Tale

Once upon a time there was a prince who slept in the buff. He had a very sensitive behind and would jump up in the middle of the night if he felt anything on the bed, a grain of sand, a hair, a wrinkle in the sheet. This would wake up and annoy the princess as she could sleep on a pile of nails without noticing. Once she slept on a penny all night long and Lincoln's face was embedded in her ass for a long time.

The princess would complain to the prince that he was OCD but he just brushed off his feet and the sheets each and every night. The princess would not brush off her feet and if there was a foreign object in the bed, she would just gently push it over to the prince's side and get to sleep.

One day the princess found an unpopped popcorn kernel and had an idea. She placed this kernel under the 3 inch thick mattress pad exactly where the prince's butt would be when he slept. Then she waited....

For 3 nights the prince tossed and turned and complained that he didn't know why he was having such bad nights. He said it was like he was sleeping on a pile of nails! Being the detective that the prince is, he decided to investigate further. He removed the sheet and lifted the mattress pad and found that kernel. He was like, "AHA!" He knew that was what caused his discomfort. He was so pleased until he realized that kernel didn't crawl under there itself!

Moral: You can tell a true prince by how sensitive his ass is.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

He's Got My Vote

This is my Favorite Campaign Video


Fred Runs for President
Have you met Fred yet?

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Fun with Kids

My middle school daughter and her BFF went to the high school football game tonight. I was on tap to drive them home after. As I'm driving to pick them up, I realize it's 70's night on the radio! I'm rocking to vintage Elton John, the Bee Gees, etc. It was just like when I was coming home from a HS football game. We stopped home so Nikki could pack up her huge makeup bag and some clothes. As we are driving over to her BFF's, I'm rocking in the car. I'm enjoying 70's deja vu. Good music, our team won. It was like I was 16 again. Nikki and her friend are telling me to stop with the waving of arms and keep both hands on the wheel. We pull up to the stop light and off to the left are the team buses!! Hey! Opportunity is knocking!! I roll down the windows and start woo hooing and wave my arms out the window at the buses! The driver in the front bus opens the door and the team starts cheering, we are all honking! It's a great night in our town.

I turn around to see how the girls are enjoying it since they seem very quiet. They are slunk down in their seats moaning in embarassment.

It was a great night, I love being a mom! I figure in a day or two, Nicole will speak to me again.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Blurtitis or is it Tourettes?

My husband is a nice guy. He does nice things, he says nice things, he thinks nice things. He doesn't get me. If I comment or ask him about a particularly annoying person, he will always find something nice to say about them. It is a gift. It must be something you are born with because it ain't in my jeans or genes.

I asked him today if it was hard for him not to blurt out what he really thought, that he must be suppressing snarky things since I spend most of my day doing just that. I try really hard to keep my thoughts to myself but damn, when something is bugging me or I observe something that absolutely necessitates a comment, I tend to blurt it out. I'm not trying to be cruel, I honestly think I'm funny. Rob says he doesn't have this problem as he doesn't have random opinions shooting around in his head looking for an outlet.

Rob likes to sit close to me, I thought it was because he loves me so much, but I think now it's to censure me. He will flick his finger against my thigh as a warning to SHUT THE FUCK UP! Of course Rob would never say FUCK, I don't think he is capable.

For example: We were at the pool and there was this poor kid who had a large mole in his back that was dark and hairy. I kind of blurted out to my friend, "OMG, he's got a hamster on his back!" It was huge and bushy and I'm sure it caused drag while swimming. Come on parents, at least clip it!! Rob is busy thumping my leg to shut me up, while my friend is rolling off the bleachers laughing. No one but the 3 of us heard it, so what's the problem?

It really hard living with such a nice guy. I try really hard to keep my thoughts in but the voices in my head really need to be let out! It's exhausting trying to be nice when funny things are happening that need to be pointed out. My dad was a funny guy and my mom didn't get him either.

Mom used to say, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." My dad said, "If you can't say something nice, just make sure it's funny." But Olympia Dukakis said it best in Steel Magnolias, "If you can't say anything nice about someone, come sit by me!"

Thursday, October 16, 2008

It's like Heaven in My Bed!

We got a new bed 4 weeks ago and it is the best bed I have ever had. Last year I was contemplating buying a new bed but all my money was focused on the Wedding. My bed was crap, it was 17 years old, sagging and uncomfortable, I was desperate. My good friend Mary offers up her husband's bachelor days bed that wasn't being used and wasn't very used. (don't anyone comment on used bed issues, I'm plugging my ears/eyes) Although I'm not in favor of bed swapping, I was desperate for a good night's sleep and we gave it a shot. Out went the old and in came the almost new.

It was a pillow top and with the box spring about 9 feet tall. Ok, small exaggeration, but it was tall enough that I had to hop up to get into it. It was more comfortable than my old bed but John must have slept in the very middle, as that was where Rob and I rolled into each night. I don't like to cuddle all night. Rob is Radiator Man and I like to be cooler than 900 degrees when I sleep. So after clinging to the side of the bed every night I'd had enough. The cats liked the bed much more than us and would crawl inside the box spring for fun.

The wedding was over and Rob got called to investigate a homicide! I love homicides, as homicide = overtime! And the prime directive should be in police work: Don't solve the crime, unless it's overtime! At least from my standpoint, I'm not sure his chief would agree. With all this found money, it was off to bed shop. The salesman took us through our paces. He had us lie on different beds to see what we liked. Rob is looking at the prices and I see him thinking, "WTF, we can't afford a good nights sleep" (ok, Rob is not thinking WTF as he doesn't say the F word or even think it! But whatever the nice guy equivalent is.) As it turns out, our middle class bods preferred the low end models just as much as the primo ones. And we bought ourselves a little slice of heaven.

Now when I walk into my room, my heart melts when I think about joys that await me in my bed. HEY!! I'm talking sleep here!!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Those Darn Cats

We currently have 3 cats. I say currently because it is possible that we have more cats but after a couple of years of not coming home for dinner (or for anything else) I figure they have either found a better home or are coyote fodder.

I'm allergic to cats and I don't tell my doctor that I have them as then he might suggest I get rid of them and then my asthma might get a bit better. But after a while the cats don't bother me, I seem to build up immunities and we can live together in harmony.

First we got Bruce Lee. Originally he was named Delphinia but then we found out he was not a she. But he was a handsome black cat with yellow eyes. He did not like to be touched. His skin would ripple if you petted him and he would try to avoid contact with his humans. We decided to get Bruce a friend so that's when Jackie Chan entered our lives. Jackie was the son of the neighborhood bully. His mom was a tiny cat that could send huge labs running for their life. Jackie was a scrappy cat but he was so loving and always gave us nose bumps. Of course my kids didn't think this was enough cats and wanted one more - one for each kid. So that's when we got Jet Li (see a pattern here?) Jet Li was a Sealpoint Siamese. Bruce and Jackie hated him. Poor Jet Li. He was not a fast cat and when he ran, his under belly would swing from side to side. All the other cats used to laugh and call him names... So that was our cat family until one night Jackie insisted that he go out. After an hour of him throwing himself against our bedroom door, I let him out. He never came back....

Then more tragedy struck! Rob was doing archery target practice in the back yard when he missed the target. The stray arrow bounces into my trellis of snap peas when boing! A cat leaps out of the peas and flees under the shed with an arrow in his back. Rob shot Jet Li! and now he can't find him. Rob calls me and says he shot the cat. I said, "what the hell did the cat do?" I had visions of Clint Eastwood and Rob saying, "Make my day". I soon realized that he didn't shoot the cat with his gun. He finally found the cat, took him to the vet who successfully removed the arrow and Jet Li was fine. I like to tell this story to parents when Rob is teaching archery to their kids. But tragedies never just happen twice, do they?

A month before the arrow incident, we got a feisty orange tabby kitten we called Chuck Morris or as we say, Charlie. Charlie was a fun kitten but he liked to eat string and thread. He ate alot of it one day. It messed up his digestive tract big time. Charlie got gastric bypass surgery. He is still going strong but boy, is he a skinny cat!

Shortly after we were recovering from the vet bills, Bruce Lee got sick and died in the hospital of liver failure. We buried him in the back yard while the neighbors watched from the comfort of their new hot tub. That was a big year in vet bills $$$$

So we are down to 2 cats until one fine day Jet Li didn't come home. I'm thinking my success rating with pets is not good. And I keep having to notify King Co Pet Licensing that those cats are now gone.

We had a temp cat for a while when Marcus's cat Tommy needed a place to stay, but Tommy is a tough old cat and didn't play well with Charlie. When Tommy started to spray in my house, Tommy got kicked outside.

After Tommy moved into his own house, we decided to add a kitten to our family so Charlie would have a friend. We went to Animal Control and came home with Figaro and Cleo (they were running a buy one, get one free special). Charlie hated them, I think at first he was afraid of them, then annoyed with them. They seem to be friends now but they all have show downs until someone gives and hands the hierarchy to the winner.





So it's Charlie the skin and bones cat, Cleo the secret eater who looks a beached harbor seal, and Super Fig who strikes a pose like Superman across the floor.

Monday, October 13, 2008

The Agony of Defeat

Is anyone else old enough to remember ABC's Wide World of Sports show? The opening scenes show someone winning ("The thrill of victory") and some schmuck crashing down a snowy hill side (the agony of defeat). I'm that schmuck, ok, not that particular schmuck, but I have experienced that agony of defeat (I also experience agony of da feet but that is due to being incredibly flatfooted, having plantar fasciitis and bone spurs).
I live on the Wet Side of the Mountains in Washington State and winters are wet. We are surrounded by mountains that offer up snow sports but us hugging the Sound, snow days are few (thank god, keep those kids in school!). When we get snow, whole cities close down, we can't cope.

Presidents Day Weekend 1990: Woohoo, it's a winter wonderland and we are ready! We load up our SnoTube (inflatable inner tube with handles for added safety?!?) and we head up to Lower Woodland Park in Seattle. Seattle is like Athens and is built on 7 hills, although somewhere down the line, they plowed down Denny Hill and that area is called by old timers (ah, me, native person) as Denny Regrade. But the problem with inner tubing down city streets is that there are cars and to hit a car would be bad. Example: Slide under front of Mercedes, slice off head, head becomes hood ornament.

So we head to a park. Tons of people are there already, sailing down the hill. They head down and the track that has been made veers off to the left and you gradually slow down. I'm with 1st husband and Brianne who was 8. Like all smart women, I made 1st go first and make sure it was safe. Then Brianne goes and she sails down and left like everyone. Now it's my turn and I start down the hill but I start to spin around. Now I am going backwards and gaining lots of speed. I turn left and I realize that left is now right and I'm heading into a stand of TREES! I turn my head just in time to see the tree that I hit. I don't know how fast I was going but I bounced about 6 feet from the tree and lay on the ground. (btw, the tree was about the size of Redwood and was not harmed by my attempted suicide) From upside down, I can see 1st and Brianne running down to see if I am a live. I had knocked the breath out of me and was gasping as I rolled over to see if I could stand up. I could stand but I was dizzy and my back and head hurt like hell. 1st says, we better go home. I said, we better get to a hospital.

Going to the hospital ER on a holiday weekend is great. Getting there was half the fun, as our hospital is on a hill and the streets are covered in snow. I hoped we all would need to be transported by ambulance after we crashed but we finally made it. There were about 20 people in the waiting room, all looking pretty bad themselves, because why else torture yourself with a 6 hour ordeal at the ER. I'm checking in and the 2 clerks ask me if I need a wheel chair. That's when I realize that there are no identical twins in front of me but that I'm seeing double. I get that wheel chair and I'm moved right past those poor waiting folks. I didn't think I looked that bad, except for the whiteness of my face and tree branches sticking out of my sweater and hair! And the fact I was bent at an angle, think Quasimodo.

By this time, I'm listing to port and can't seem to straighten my back. They send me to xray and the tech there is crabbing at me because I can't boost myself onto the table and she has to get a step stool. I didn't break any ribs or my back but I bruised the hell out of my kidney. Oh yeah, I cracked my skull, hence the double vision from the concussion. They eventually send me home with pain meds (yipee!) and muscle relaxers and instructions to see my regular doctor in a few days.

Now we hadn't been back in Seattle very long and I didn't have a regular doctor, so I called my HMO and they gave me one. About a week after the accident, I'm sitting on the exam table, the doc is done checking out my bruises and asks me if I could be pregnant. Why do you ask? I say. Because you look pregnant to me, says doc. I'm just fat, I say, and I have an IUD. Doc says, I'm taking some blood for a test. Waste of time and lab work, I'm thinking.

2 days later, the doc's office calls and tells me the good news. It's positive! I'm thinking, OMG, this baby is going to be deformed. I've been on pain meds, muscle relaxers and had xrays of my body! And don't forget that IUD. My kid is going to be born looking like a teletubby with this plastic thing embedded in it's skull!

Doc says to stop taking drugs and come on back for an IUD removal. So as I'm in stirrups and they've pulled the useless device, doc says, oh yeah, this might cause you to spontaneously abort the fetus and if it does, can you save what you expel and come right to the office or ER. So for 5 days, I lay in bed hoping not to miscarry. All is well? Nope, now they are concerned that it's ectopic and so now they want to ultrasound to see where it is. Turns out the egg planted itself above the IUD and was nicely settled it.

My little mishap is now 18 years old. I blame everything that he does that annoys me on his father and the fact that I took drugs.

Oh yeah, my whole point to this story is that the Girl Scouts in my town are planning to have an event at one of the passes this winter and everyone will go inner tubing. This is something that my troop will want to do and I'm having anxiety attacks thinking about it. I can't watch the winter Olympics much less people I know sliding down a hill. I'm dizzy just thinking about it.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Appliance Angst

Have you seen the commercial about the washer that stores 6 months of laundry soap in a dispenser? How do they know it's 6 months worth? We do tons of laundry, way more than my sister who lives alone does. So is this based on what the average family does in 6 months? And I want to know how dirty these so called 1.5 kids get. I want he machine that folds it and puts it away.

How come my coffee maker only stays on for 2 hours? I don't drink it that fast and I'm always having to microwave the last few cups because the damn thing shuts off. Ok, so I bought the cheap model, but I'm constantly killing Mr Coffee and I'm not going to burn out an expensive one.

Why doesn't my toaster toast the same every time? I can toast 2 slices and then put in 2 more and these are always darker than the first pieces. Ok, cheap model here too....maybe a pattern?

Why does my vacuumn cleaner make weird noises but I can never figure out what it is? And why does it smell like the belt's burning but when I take it apart, I can't find anything and it's fine when I put it back together?

And why oh why, does my toilet only keep running when I don't stay and wait to see if it will run but it won't keep running if I wait?

How come 5 minutes of sex seems like a blink of the eye but 5 minutes in the microwave is forever when you're hungry?

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Informal Election Poll

My son will vote in his first Presidential Election this year. He just turned 18 and he seems enthused to participate in the election.

We don't discuss politics at our house much. Rob never does, not even to me and I try not to as it really is a personal choice. Besides, it's no fun when he won't respond. He won't even watch the SNL skits. He probably won't find this picture funny.

So I was out the other day with a group of female voters and I asked them why they are voting for their candidate.

Here are some of the responses to this very informal poll:

"My friend told me to"

"I think he is cuter than the other guy"

"She dresses nice but I didn't like her speech"

"I don't know, I just pick somebody"

"I don't care, so I'm not voting"

"I liked what she said she would do for us"

"That one guy made lots of promises, so that's why I like him"

I wish I could have gotten more responses but the recess bell rang and I had to leave.
Of yeah, these were 3rd and 4th grade school girls talking about their student body officers election.

I saw posters of the guys who were in the running, one was pretty cute for a 6th grader. I didn't see the girl but I'd heard that she had an early lead.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Moss

Most people in our neighborhood have really great lawns. Trimmed, weeded, beautiful green color. I have a yard that is sometimes green, sometimes yellow and sometimes orange. Yes that is the color that moss gets when it gets too dry. Since we live in the wet side of Washington State, the yard is usually swampy and green. I don't mind the moss. It's soft under the feet. It doesn't get tall. Occasionally grass will spring up between the moss and we have to mow and weeds do grow in moss too. But all in all I like my moss yard. But I don't like moss where it doesn't belong!

In the spring I asked Rob to do something about the moss on the roof. On the north side of my house the roof is green. Elswhere it is brown. I like green, my house is green, but I really liked that the roof was Brown. All spring and summer, I mentioned that the roof still needed to be treated for moss and even offered up Aaron to help as he is always looking for jobs that will keep him in gas money. But it never got done. There was always something else to do, and if the weather was really nice, there was always a bike ride. When the weather sucked, it was too wet to get on the roof, so now it is fall and the roof is coming in greener than ever.

Then there is the driveway. Every day the moss patch is growing. It's like some alien blob that will creep over until everything is covered. I doubt that Rob has noticed the moss, he hasn't noticed the roof moss either. What will probably happen, is that I will call someone to come treat my roof and driveway to remove the moss, and then months later Rob will say, "didn't you want me to get rid of the moss?" And I'll say, "what moss??"

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Saving your Thoughts

Do you ever have blog moments? You know when something happens or you have a random thought or idea that would make an awesome blog but you are driving or leading a meeting and it's just not the time to make a note to yourself so you can blog later. At a meeting, you can prehaps write a note to self as long as it's not onthe flip chart you are using and then causes some confusion when you write "penal implants" on the board when you are talking about leading a Girl Scout troop. And when you are driving, it's even harder, as texting while driving is considered illegal in Washington State and even if you turn to the cruise control and use your knees to steer, it can be distracting. I have lost my train of thought too often so I'm going to get one of those "As Seen on TV" My Lil' Reminder recording devices. I could attach it to the dashboard, it's only got one button to push to record and all my great thoughts would never be lost again.


Of course this wouldn't work at meetings, as you still wouldn't want to blurt out "penal implants" in front of a group, unless you explained before hand about your tourettes issue.

Girl Scout Cookies

When I was about 9 years old, my Girl Scout troop took a field trip to the Grandma's Cookies plant near the Seattle Center. I was so excited (yes, I loved cookies then too) because this was the place that made Girl Scout Cookies. When I was a kid, they only had a couple of varieties of cookies and Thin Mints were my favorite. We got to the plant and they took us on a tour. We saw the huge oven and conveyor belts that moved everything along. They were making THIN MINTS! I was in heaven. We saw the chocolate cookies come down the line. They were baked, then cooled. A dollop of creamy white mint was dropped into the center of each cookie and then they got a bath of dark chocolate. I could hardly contain my excitement as they told us we got a free package of cookies at the end of the tour. My mouth was salivating as we neared the end and got handed a package of Coconut Macaroons. WTF! I'm sure they weren't allowed to give away Girl Scout cookies but I was a kid, what did I know? I took my cookies and did not tear into them like all the other girls as I hate coconut. I hate how it smells, I hate how it tastes and I hate the texture of it in my mouth.

Girl Scout Cookies are no longer made my Grandma's Cookies in Seattle. GSUSA has licensed a couple of bakeries to make their cookies. So that means that all Girl Scout Cookies are not the same. Every year the Girl Scouts work with the bakeries to shake things up and they change the line up of cookies. The old favorites are there but they have 3 kinds that they are always messing with. Almost every year they bring out 1 or 2 new cookies. This year they have a new cookie "Dulce de Leche", a caramel cookie. Now I can't pronounce this cookie so how are my 1st graders going to? And to add insult to injury, they got rid of All Abouts! I love All Abouts, the shortbread cookie that had a chocolate layer on the bottom. There were perfect for making s'mores.

Of course my freezer is full of Girl Scout cookies and we drag a box out now and then and then add cases more each spring. Once I found a box of cookies in the freezer, Thin Mints, and figure out they had been in there 5 years. Did I mention that frozen Thin Mints, although they no longer have that creamy layer of mint, still Rock, even after 5 years.