Monday, March 23, 2009

Norway is Not the Capital of Sweden

My sister who lives in Norway, turned me onto this video that I just had to share.

Norway you Rock!!!

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Good Mom, Bad Mom

Good Mom: I let my daughter rent a movie on PPV last night with her friends.

Bad Mom: I didn't check the rating on the movie before hand.

Good Mom: When told it was a scary movie, I asked if they could handle it.

Bad Mom: I didn't check with other parents if this was an acceptable movie.

Good Mom: I let them stay up as long as they wanted.

Bad Mom: I let them stay up as long as they wanted.

Good Mom: I let 13 yr old daughter crawl into bed with me and hubs at 5am.

Bad Mom: I made her sleep in the middle just under the comforter.

Good Mom: I didn't tell her friends she got scared and crawled into bed with us.

Bad Mom: I made them all get up before 10am to eat Chocolate Chip Pancakes.

Good Mom: I make chocolate chip pancakes.

More Good than Bad. I think good out weighs the bad, so I'm not going to hell.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Customer Service, please God, help me!

Customer Service: Bank of DumbFuck, this is Stacey. How can I help you?
Me: Hi, Stacey. I'd like to know when I can expect my new Visa debit card.
CS: Ok, I just need to ask you a few questions to verify your identity. What is your name?
Me: Christine O
CS: Thank you Christine. What is the name of your pet?
Me: Charlie
CS: That's not correct.
Me: Figaro?
CS: Try again
Me: Cleo? Panda? Jet? Jackie? Bruce?
CS: Bruce who?
Me: Bruce Lee!
CS: Correct. Now where is your account located?
Me: Washington
CS: What city?
Me: my small town?
CS: Try again? Where did you open the account
Me: Well, I was working for Bank of DumbFuck so maybe Big City?
CS: Correct. Now how can we be of service to you?
Me: I want to know when I'm getting my Visa debit card. It's been 10 days and I just want an idea of when it will get here.
CS: Your card went out in February.
Me: No, that card is disabled. I'm talking about my new card with the new number since the old one had fraud on it.
CS: I don't have a record of a new card being issued.
Me: I was told on the 7th that because of fraud I would be getting a new card with a new number in 7 to 10 days.
CS: That's 7 to 10 business days.
Me: So its coming?
CS: I don't show a record that CS ordered you a new card. There is an alert on the old card. I can remove that alert for you.
Me: No! I destroyed the cards as per CS instructions. I need new cards with new numbers. I have had fraud on that old account number, do not take the alert off.
CS: The fraud dept can not issue new cards, you would have needed to talk with CS to order a new card. Our records show that you didn't speak with CS.
Me: I did speak with CS. I called this very same number and they told me they would issue me a new number and new cards.
CS: Our records show that you didn't speak with CS.
Me: Fine! But if I didn't speak with CS, how come I knew that it would take 7 to 10 days for a new card?
CS: That's 7 to 10 BUSINESS DAYS, Ms O.
Me: (ha!, I'm no longer Christine but Ms O.) That's Mrs O.
CS: Excuse me?
Me: Okay, let's just back up. I need new debit cards.
CS: I can issue replacement cards that will arrive in 7 to 10 business days.
Me: With a new number, right?
CS: If that is what you want.
Me: Well considering that someone in India has the old number I guess that would be the smart thing to do then, eh? Can you expedite this? As it really is CS's fault that it's been 10 days and I still don't have my new cards.
CS: We are unable to expedite this. It will be 7 to 10 business days. And for security reasons, each card will be sent separately.
Me: But if each card has the same number and one doesn't arrive, then won't you have to cancel both cards?
CS: That's correct.
Me: So why send them separately?
CS: For security reasons.
Me: Whatever!
CS: So Christine, is there anything else I can help you with?
Me: (so it's back to BFF and first names) No Stacey, you have been helpful enough.
CS: Thank you for banking with Bank of DumbFuck.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Wardrobe Malfunction or Weapons of Mass Destruction?

I went to the dentist for a cleaning today (I have no cavities and I got stars for all my flossing. Thanks for asking) and while I'm laying feet up, blood draining to my brain, I feel something funny going on with my boobs. Now before you think the dentist, who is a babe for a 50 yr old guy, is having his way, the answer to that is no. I look up (since I've got my feet up, my boobs are up not down) and I see what looks like a third nipple pushing out of the middle of my chest. I slide my hand under that paper towel with the alligator clips that is protecting me from blood spatters and feel around. It's the underwire of my bra. It has popped it's casing and working it's way outward. I push it back down, but now it just looks like I'm fondling myself and it won't go back in, in fact, it's sticking out more. I'm sure the hygienist was wondering WTF. So I told her. "My girls are escaping! They have broken free of their restraints and are going to take over the world." Somehow she managed to finish cleaning my teeth while my new tit pushed further out. By now it looks more like a tiny penis that is pointing west. I finish up and consider trying to repair things in the restroom, but I'm not equipped to handle things here. I don't want to pull the wire all the way out, as then I will have one nice perky boob and one hanging to my knees. So I just pull my sweater over the growing appendage and make my way to the car. Once safely home, I repaired things and the girls are safe back in their place.

Remember, it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Learning to live within your means....

So yesterday I spent the day with a hundred 8th graders at Junior Achievements Finance Park. The kids all got a scenario. Their age, yearly income, married or not, kids or no kids. They then had to create a budget. Then they had to make choices, like what kind of car, how big a house, how much to save, etc. All within a certain net pay. Sounds like real life, eh?

Some of the kids were on the high end of things. Large salary, no money sucking kids. Those that were unmarried, really had it made. One kid in my group was on the low end of things. He was making about $3,000 less a month than all of this friends. As his buddies were talking about the Porsche or Lexus they were going to buy, he said, "I'll probably get to buy a 10 yr old Buick." These kids were really cracking me up. One of my daughter's friend was indignant that they didn't list feminine protection on the shopping list. One of the boys suggested buying the paper towels and wadding them up.

Some of these kids took it very seriously. One girl who is known for being the religious police for all things Mormon by reminding her friends to stay on the straight and narrow. No caffeine, no dating non Mormon boys, etc. She told another girl that she had better plan on tithing 10% to the church, that her budget better reflect that. Well, she didn't because she wanted that Disneyland vacations more.

I had a great time working with these teens and the other adult volunteers. Did the kids learn anything, god only knows. I think they were just excited to get away from class for the day!

Saturday, March 14, 2009

And I thought my thighs were huge. Another WTF moment

The YouTube explanation states: Really weird poodle exercise video for humans. This is a mesmerizing and frightening video. It's a word-for-word parody of Susan Powter's first workout video, featuring poodles and a crazy poodle-woman. Absolutely surreal. It was made by Nagi Noda for Panasonic. It was part of 10 films they made for the 2004 Athens Olympics.

Bleeding Green Blood

This is the final weekend of Girl Scout cookie sales in my area. The economy has taken a hit and so sales are slow. It also doesn't help that my 8th grade girls are not overly motivated to sell. They are more concerned about who might see them selling and label them as uncool then about the great activities we do with the funds. They want to travel to Disneyland or Walt Disney World but the rate we are going we might be able to so to the local zoo. We will have enough for at least a campout, lasor tag and some other fun things. They are great girls and I love being with them.

I also have 1st graders. These girls are damn cute but this is their first year and they are shy so they haven't been the over achievers I thought they would be. Still they raises about $700 and we are going to have some great times. We are going to Pioneer Farm, the zoo, the aquarium, the police station (ok thats free). I'm also going to take them and my cadettes to a local chocolate factory. If we ever stop having winter, I'd like to take them to the beach for low tide and a picnic. First graders are much easier to amuse and it's cheaper too.

Three weeks ago, I had 2100 boxes of cookies in my house. We now have 200 left, 100 of these will be going to Operation Cookie Drop which distributes cookies to our active military all over the globe. Now if my girls can't sell the last 100 boxes, well, I guess this will be snack for our meetings from now on. I'm tired of cookies. I'm ready for funner stuff

Thursday, March 12, 2009

As if the world wasn't dangerous enough. Damn, more shit to worry about.

So I was trolling the internet and came across this website that asks the question: What are your chances of getting a tapeworm? Now being fat the thought of a tapeworm has not crossed my mind..okay, maybe once or twice. Having the ability to eat and have something else get fat might be okay but the whole worm thing makes me want to vomit (that brings up bulimia but I'm not going there either)

So anyway, there is a quiz. I took it and here are my results. I'm kind of scared now or maybe excited.

What are your chances of getting a tapeworm?

I saw an episode of House were the good doctor pulls a 25 foot tape worm out of some woman. Holy shit!

Monday, March 9, 2009

Happy B-Day Barbie and Tats to you!

Today is Barbie's 50th birthday. She looks pretty good for an old broad. Those breasts are still as perky as even. And since she never had kids, she still has that impossible to believe waistline. And her legs go on forever. No fallen arches, she can still strut her stuff in mile high heels!

Now to celebrate her big 50 she now has tattoos. She comes with 40 mini tattoos that can be placed anywhere on her luscious bod. And what could be better? There is also a tattoo gun that applies removable tats to your budding little crack ho-lettes. Move over Bratz, those cute little prostitots, here comes Barbie with a butterfly on her ass! There are those wondering what is next? Totally Pierced Barbie? I think we did that as kids, as I remember sticking pins in my dolls but I think we were going more for voodoo dolls and not a fashion statement.

Mattel said the new tattooed Barbie, priced online at around $20 and up, was selling better than expected.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Fraud! I feel violated....

I'm an ex banker and hubs is a cop. So we try to be extra careful when it comes to our identity and our banking information. We use the debit card at grocery stores but tend to pay cash when we eat out because of skimmers. So imagine my surprise today when the fraud dept calls my house. Actually I was skeptical, hung up on the automated call and called my bank directly. They didn't see anything and I just figured I was part of a phishing expedition. Then later that day I tried to use my card in the ATM. DENIED!!

I came home and called the bank again. This time they put me thru to the fraud dept. They asked me a bunch of questions about my recent purchases. Thankfully they didn't ask what I bought at the pharmacy, just if I had gone there. Then they came to a charge from Kingfisher Airlines made at 1am while I was gently sleeping amid my plethora of cats.

So some bastard in India has my debit card number and took a $85 flight. Of course my husband is sure that this is all my fault. That I must have let someone skim my card. This is the same account he uses, but he is sure I'm just shouting out my number over a PA system or something.

So I had to cancel my card, which is my access to cash! And it will take about 10 days before the new card with the new number shows up. So I'm back to writing checks or going to the bank or my favorite, transferring money to my son's account and asking him to make a withdrawal and bring me cash.

For those who don't know what skimming is: Skimming is the theft of credit card information used in an otherwise legitimate transaction. It is typically an "inside job" by a dishonest employee of a legitimate merchant. The thief can procure a victim’s credit card number using basic methods such as photocopying receipts or more advanced methods such as using a small electronic device (skimmer) to swipe and store hundreds of victim’s credit card numbers. Common scenarios for skimming are restaurants or bars where the skimmer has possession of the victim's credit card out of their immediate view. The thief may also use a small keypad to unobtrusively transcribe the 3 or 4 digit Card Security Code which is not present on the magnetic strip.
Or what phishing is: phishing is the criminally fraudulent process of attempting to acquire sensitive information such as usernames, passwords and credit card details by masquerading as a trustworthy entity in an electronic communication.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Show me the nuggets before showing the money

While my wonderful Girl Scouts are peddling their brand of crack cookies. Others are finding it hard to get their fix:

Woman Calls 911 After McDonald's Runs Out Of Nuggets
Fort Pierce Woman Cited For Misusing 911 Emergency Communications System

FORT PIERCE, Fla. - According to the report, Goodman called 911 three times Saturday to report that a McDonald's employee wasn't giving her a refund for the chicken nuggets she wanted.

When police arrived, Goodman said she purchased a 10-piece chicken McNuggets meal, received her change and then was told McDonald's had run out of McNuggets. Goodman said she tried to get a refund, but the cashier told her it was against store policy and that all sales are final.
"The manager just took my money and won't give me my money back, trying to make me get something off the menu that I don't want," Goodman said in one of the 911 calls. "I ordered chicken nuggets. They don't have chicken nuggets, and so I told her, 'Just give me my money back,' and she tells me I have to pick something else off the menu. She is not going to give me my money back, and she don't have the right to take my money."

According to the report, after police told Goodman the incident was not an emergency, Goodman replied, "This is an emergency. If I would have known they didn't have McNuggets, I wouldn't have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don't want one. This is an emergency."

Goodman told WPBF News 25 that she didn't "have a right to jump across the counter and snatch" the money, so she chose to handle it another way. Goodman said it wasn't so much about the nuggets as it was the money. "When you feel that you've been mistreated or misused or robbed out of your money, you have the right to call 911," Goodman said. "That's the purpose of 911, so I thought."

Goodman said she'll continue to go to McDonald's, but she also said she'd order with a little more caution next time. "I'm not going and just giving up my money like that, no, but I'm going to ask them would they please check and see if they have what I want on the menu, and if they tell me yes, then I will order," she said.

This is why my cop husband will never be out of a job..

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Coincidence or Conspiracy?

The world has hit a new low. The economy is so tanked that our local Sam's Club and the mall in which it is located has denied Girl Scouts access to peddle their cookies in front of their store. I think it is a conspiracy led by the Kebbler Elves and Dolly Madison.

Also Girl Scouts have been used as pawns in a local counterfeiting scheme. I think it is Bernie Madoff's newest attempt at recovering funds.


This is not a public service announcement and no animals were harmed in the making of this blog post

I thought I'd pass on a video of a product that will astound you. I can't actually do a product review on this as I haven't tried to prostitute my blog for cash and free things and damned if I'm going to buy something. But if companies want to send me things free with no strings attached, I might write something about it or not! Of course that would mean that companies would have to be reading my blog which is highly unlikely as only 11 people read this and 4 of them are being blackmailed to make comments.

Disclaimer: Not made with real chamois. I didn't want to get your goat.

Monday, March 2, 2009

I remember Mama

Today is my mother's birthday. She would have been 80 today but she died almost 10 years ago. Here are some of the things I remember about my mom:

My mother was a housewife from the 50's. When I was very little she always wore dresses. I remember her coming outside and skipping rope with us in a dress. In 1964 I was 6, she and my grandmother were talking about things and my mother mentioned that this pregnancy was really tough on her. My grandmother shushed her to not say the word pregnant in front of me. For years I thought pregnant was a swear word. I remember playing in our back yard with my friends when the back door was wrenched open and a flaming frying pan came sailing out and landed near where we were playing. My friends were frightened but I just nonchalantly said, Oh my mom is cooking dinner. She wasn't a very good cook.

When I was a teenager my mother took me aside and said we should have the "sex" talk. I asked her what did she want to know? She figured she'd waited a bit too long. Once I went to JCPenneys with her when she needed to buy a jock strap for my brother. The clerk asked her how big he was. My mom cups her hand and says about this size. I told her the clerk was looking for his waist measurement.
Mom subscribed to magazines and other publications. When she started telling us that the Russians were controlling the weather, we cancelled her subscription to Weekly World News. She figured since it was printed in black and white it was actual real news. Mom loved to shop. QVC was one of her favorites. She liked to buy 2 of things. She would keep one and give the other away. Usually I was the lucky winner. I have more crap I will never use stuffed in my cupboards. Once she bought everyone in the family the Ronco Food Dehydrator. This I actually still use.

Mom was generous and loving. She would give you the shirt off her back. She was a pain in the ass a lot and everyday I become more and more like her. And that's ok. I miss you Mom.