Death Star Canteen

When did my home town become Dante's Inferno?

Whoo Hoo! it only got up to 97 degrees today! Yesterday it was 105. Tomorrow it might drop 10 more degrees. This is incredible. I live on the wet side of the mountains in Washington State because I have webbed feet. I truly don't mind the rain. I like how green things stay all year long. I have a moss problem in my back yard because it is usually a bog area. Do you know that when moss dries out it turns orange? So my yard is yellow (the tuffs of grass), orange (the moss) and green (the f-ing dandelions!!).

My house has old aluminum windows so that means drafty in winter and wtf hot in summer. Someday we will upgrade.... Anyway, we are trying to stay cool. I spend a lot of time looking in the freezers. The cool air is so refreshing and I didn't really want to cook all that food anyway. I figure I can take the turkey to bed with me. I got in trouble at the grocery store for checking the expiration dates on the frozen veggies. Hey there were a lot of them, I had to practically climb inside the door! And I was so going to pay for all that beer I drank. I thought it was great place for a picnic, the beverage aisle at Fred Meyer. I went to the movie theater today just so I could sit for 2 1/2 hours in A/C. It was worth the price of the ticket for that. And I hadn't seen Harry Potter so that was a bonus!

My poor kitties are taking a beating in this heat. I have been giving them lots of water and trying to reassure them that it's not my fault. They have been giving me the evil eye for a couple of days now.

The one true haven is our bedroom. We have a window A/C unit that I forced Rob to buy a couple years ago when I started the menopause. I told him that if I couldn't sleep then neither would he. He ran right out and got me that unit. Today is thanked me over and over again for making him buy it. I guess you can't even find a box fan much less an A/C in the area right now.

So maybe I will melt off a few pounds during this weather event so it will all be worth it.

Is Crisis the new High?

I know a couple of people who seem to thrive on crisis. I think they get joy out of having turmoil in their lives. They also seem to get some kind of pleasure out of the suffering of others. They are very quick to jump on some one's bandwagon and make judgments from what they hear from others without ever considering there maybe another side of the story or that the story they heard was perhaps enhanced to make the teller feel better about their actions? Even when they know the other person or persons involved, they might still accept what they were told at face value. Maybe it's just me, but just because someone says it's so, I don't always believe it. I tend to think that the person spreading the story has some agenda because why talk about unpleasant situations with those who didn't need to know about it in the first place?

I'm not perfect, far from it. But I like to think that people are basically good and as adults, we should be able to find solutions to problems without alienating each other. I tend to turn the other cheek alot and let things slide when I can't make things better. I was told recently that I'm always trying to pat things down and find a way to make everyone happy. I got the feeling they felt this trait was a bad thing.

Maybe I'm just a fucking Pollyanna and that's why I keep turning the other cheek until I get kicked in the ass. Should I go around expecting the worse to happen, expect the worst from people, look for a disaster around every corner? I'm just clueless I guess. I've either got my head in the clouds or up my ass.

Sometimes being a bitch is all a woman's got to hold on to

I was up at the butt crack of dawn this morning - that's 3:30am, to take my hubs up to meet his friends for a 2 day bike ride. The STP (Seattle to Portland) is a 1 or 2 day 200+ mile road trip for fun. I get the pleasure of taking him on Saturday morning to start and then drive to Portland on Sunday to drag his sorry ass home again. I've started taking Nicole with me so I have someone to talk to on the ride there and back. She gets to do some taxfree shopping at the mall so its a win win situation.

While we were driving at 3:30am this morning Rob and I started talking about small towns and their school systems. He was saying that he is staying in Winlock tonight and they only have one elem, one middle and one high school. This got me thinking about my first steady boyfriend I had when I was 16. He lived a one horse town and was bussed to a 2 horse town for school. All grades were housed in one building. His senior class had 6 students. I came from an inner city high school, we had almost 400 in just our class.

I met Steven at our vacation property. His grandparents had a place there and we met at the lake. It was a last minute summer romance. We decided to stay in touch via the mail. This was a long long time ago, before the Internet. It was snail mail all the way. He lived 50 miles from me, I didn't see him but about once a month or so. But as a teenager I gained ground with my friends as I had an actual boyfriend and none of them did. I was not a very nice girlfriend to him tho, I flirted with other guys, went to parties to hit on guys. I liked having the idea of a boyfriend, just not the responsibilities involved. Summer came and we headed out to our vacation property. My dad was retired so we spent pretty much all summer during the week out there. Dad didn't like the weekends there so we would go home for them. This was not good for my social life at the lake. All the good parties were on the weekends. I had made some girl friends out there so I started staying with their families on the weekends. At least that was what we would say. We would end up at someones empty cabin sans parents and get very drunk. One of these weekends I lost my virginity and it wasn't with my boyfriend. OOOPPS! My boyfriend I hardly saw as he was working most of the summer. He did finally make arrangements to come to the lake on the eve of our one year anniversary. I was so over him at this point and wanted to break up but thought it was too harsh to do it in a letter or on the phone so I just continued to have a good time and keep stringing him along until the big day. I plotted out the breakup, discussed with my girl friends what I was going to say. I so broke his heart, he cried. I was disgusted at his weak behavior. I was a cold hearted bitch. I loved it.

So I'm telling this story to the hubs this morning and he just looks at me like, WTF! I said, I had to break up with him, I was starting my senior year, I didn't want to be tied down! I asked him if he had ever plotted for weeks to break up with someone. He said, OMG no!

I then told him it wasn't nearly as satisfying as when I got rid of my first husband, the Sperm Donor. Rob just shook his head, kissed me goodbye and road off into the dawn's early light.

Happy 5th of July

It's the day after Independence Day but where I live the celebration lives on. Although my town has an ordinance that states "If it goes up or blows up, it's illegal" this doesn't seem to matter to most people. We tend to stay home on the 4th to protect the house from fallout. Our town buts up to the Indian Reservation and those illegal fireworks, well, they do a "booming" business. They have an area near the firework stands for you to ignite your fireworks as taking them off Indian land is illegal. Some people use this area but most try to get them home. The cops sometimes sit at the exit and just stop cars as they leave and take their fireworks. This happened to my friend's husband. He had the fireworks on the seat next to him so he had to hand them over. He was coming home from his job as a fire fighter so he should have known better. He said that he would get to burn those fireworks at some point as the cops ask the firemen to destroy them for them.

So last night the bang bangs started before it even got dark. I tried to wrestle the cats into the house as they tend to freak out from loud noises. Only one came running in. As it got darker the air got thicker with smoke. My neighbors behind me started lighting off their rockets and I watched them soar towards my roof. I had to close all the windows even tho it was very warm because I couldn't breath- asthma. My lungs were very tight from the smoke. The celebration went on late into the night, we finally got some sleep.

I was up at 7:30am, kissed my hubby goodbye (he went on a bike ride). I poured a cup of coffee and went to sit on the deck. Bang bang goes the blasts! Happy 5th of July! All day long there has been sounds of sulfur, er, summer. I'm so glad my neighbors are so proud to be Americans!

I used to like setting off fireworks until I burned off all my pubic hair in a bottle rockets gone very bad scenario.

Police work can be very violent!

My husband, the cop, sent me this clip. Just another monday at work.

A video for those new to our country.... just some helpful hints

Damn, the dam is leaking.

There was a news article in the local paper about a dam that is upriver from my town about 20-30 miles. Seems like they have noticed that the dam is leaking water thru one side at an alarming rate. They don't know what they can do about it since it would cost a lot of money to repair so they are predicting flooding in the area next winter and the towns down river for this are making plans for this. WTF! If you know it is going to flood and that this will obviously cost FEMA millions of dollars in compensation to those affected, then why not just spend that money to fix the damn dam? And get this, it's an earth dam, made of rocks and dirt. And they are surprised that it is eroding. Durr!

We have 2 rivers in my town, the other river flooded last winter due to an error at the dam by the Army Corp of Engineers who let too much water out at one time. These are the same people in charge of controlling the water level in the leaking dam.

I'm so glad I don't live in the valley with 2 rivers to deal with. Oh yeah, they also have the volcano to deal with. If the mountain blows it will fill the valley with at least flash floods and mud floes.

I am very grateful that I live on top of a hill.

Politically Incorrect this might be, but it tickles me. Lighten up, I'm married to an asian and he thinks its just plain funny!

FML Still Waiting

It's now almost 6 weeks since I was asked to fill in for the job I am applying for. They are going to have 2nd interviews next week and it is between me and some young gal who looks all preppy and cheerful with her college degree still warm in the frame and finding it hard to get a job in her field so she will take this one.

Am I bitter?

I just keep coming in everyday, do the job they ask of me and try to keep a rosy outlook.

Don't wish me luck, what I need now is therapy.

My Hiatus or why I can't walk and chew gum at the same time

Sorry Readers, its been 17 days since my last blog post. I don't blog when I am stressed and I've been a bit stressed.

I have been filling in at the local GS office for about a year and a half, working mostly the office managers job. Well, she retired suddenly and my boss asked me if I would fill in while they worked at finding a replacement. I told her I would and that I would be applying for the job myself. I think this threw her. She thought I wasn't looking for a full time job because that was what I had said 1 1/2 yrs ago. Well times have changed and I need to work. My long vacation of 6 1/2 yrs is over! My hubs took a cut in pay (as did everyone at the PD) so other officers would not be laid off. Yep, even essential services like police are feeling the pinch.

They posted the job on their website and on Craigslist. They got 150 responses! This is a nonprofit org, it doesn't pay a hella lot but people need jobs. My boss is now weeding thru the resumes and starting more weeding by conducting phone interviews. All this while I am doing the job that I have applied for, which is keeping the office functioning for the rest of the staff. I've been there 2 weeks now. I feel like this is a very long interview. That everything I do now will make or break me. I got to spend one day with the old gal to try and document everything she did so I can do it. Granted, I did do a lot of these tasks during her previous absences but just the things that had to get done. There was very little documentation from her or the main office on procedures and what was available was mostly poorly done. I am able to ask other regional office mgrs about what they do, but it looks like our gal was a bit lazy in her job and didn't keep up with a lot of the work so cleaning things up is job number one.

I decided to look good by taking on the half completed file audit of volunteer files. Turns out it hadn't been purged of old no-longer volunteering files for several years. This was due in part to the poorly written instructions from some VP in the main office that no one called them on to correct. Out of about 2400 files, about 800 were redundant. None of the other regional office mgrs can figure out how to get reports from the new database program (I figured it out and let them know what to do) so they just don't do stuff! Every regional office's files are a mess. I'm out to correct this at least for this office.

I've also taken the petty cash and put it on an excel spreadsheet in a shared folder so the rest of the staff can see what we have if they need it. It was keep on a paper ledger locked in the box.

I'm starting to catalog what we have in our lending library and equipment depot and creating a database to better track where our stuff is and to ensure we don't double reserve things.

I'm working damn hard because I want this job. Even tho my boss says that as a full time employee I would need to give up my volunteer role as a troop leader to both my troops due to conflict of interest. This was troublesome to me, but I can work around this by being an involved parent, a very involved parent!

My boss is getting married June 13th and taking a couple weeks off for her honeymoon. It's a small wedding so she is not too preoccupied but she needs to do all these interviews before then. Also, she was told by main office that we need to move our office by June 30th. She is in charge of finding a new larger space that we can afford. She had 3 good possibilities take she took her boss to last week. Her boss shot them all down. So not only does she have to hire a new office mgr, she has to find a new location. The move will occur while she is gone and while an other staff person is gone. This leaves 3 staff to do the move, one of which may be a brand new clueless office mgr (my hopes is that clueless person is me!)

So wish me luck. I'm just hoping that it doesn't turn out that someone else gets hired and I get asked to train them and to also stay on to help with the move. As upsetting as this thought makes me, I will probably do it. Doormat is my middle name.

This is why guys buy soap on a rope

This is an actual billboard located across the street from a local police station and jail.

More Keyword Search Results

Google Analytics tells me what words were searched that brought people to my blog.
Since January 1st there have been 223 different keywords used to reach me.
Between April 2nd to April 15th, there were 97 searches about Farm Town so many people are obsessing as I was. But it is the random others that I find interesting. Here is a sampling:

50th b-day voodoo doll
chances of teens getting tapeworm from cat
cheese fetish
Chris wants only sex
I pissed txt
three girls who ate a tapeworm
what is the green stuff bleeding from a cat
what is my cat’s real name
why is my life is so shitty
god help me in business
graphic of shit
holding hands in public + lesbians
how to make a metal slide slick
I ate my mom’s shit
I turn my head to the left and I see double
if cocaine ate away your brain what would you feel like
Khols dead cat
life can be shitty
my cat ate:
A magnet
Cocaine
Me
Wire
my cat only likes the left side of my head
my cosmo girls + bondage
my life is shit kids
my mom blows me pix
Norway capital of Sweden
to feel violated
nipple middle of chest

Now many of these are pretty obvious to me how they got to my blog but I truly don't remember blogging about having a nipple in the middle of my chest or even knowing anyone who has one. I even googled it but I didn't come up with my blog nor did google have a good picture of someone with a nipple middle of chest which I would have posted here for everyone.

I think Bill Murray should get some royalities from this company ripping off this from Caddy Shack

Spokane parks to detonate squirrels
By NICHOLAS K. GERANIOS
ASSOCIATED PRESS WRITER

SPOKANE, Wash. -- The Finch Arboretum is being overrun by ground squirrels, and Spokane Parks and Recreation is bringing in some special artillery.

The agency is using a special machine called the Rodenator Pro to detonate some of the estimated 100 to 150 squirrels tearing up the grounds.

Shades of Carl Spackler, the gopher-hating groundskeeper from "Caddyshack."

The Rodenator Pro pumps propane and oxygen into the tunnels of squirrels, then sends an electric spark that causes an explosion. The shock waves kill the squirrels and collapse their tunnels - but in a humane way, the agency said.

Spokanimal, which is the local animal shelter and Humane Society chapter, was caught by surprise by Monday's announcement.

"You're kidding," Director Gail Mackie said when she learned the news. "That borders on cruelty."

Mackie said she would investigate the practice.

The parks department is warning area residents that it plans to blast squirrels all week, and to not be alarmed by noises that sound like gun shots. Parks officials said police have already been called to the arboretum by people who heard the explosions.

Timing is crucial. Parks officials said they want to detonate their prey before the animals start reproducing.

Parks officials said ground squirrels have been a minor problem for years, but their population is, well, exploding.

The squirrels dig tunnels and holes that people can trip on or fall into, the agency said. They eat new tree roots, can spread disease and are spreading to neighboring yards.

Gas bombs were tried in the past, but were not effective, the agency said.

Enter the Rodenator, a product whose workings have been captured on numerous YouTube videos. The company is based in Midvale, Idaho, and promises on its Web site that its product is effective against the "saber-toothed gopher."

Get your deck ready for nice weather

I'm very fortunate at my house. I have a big deck in my back yard. You can have all kinds of fun with a big deck. I think back about the parties we have had on this deck. My husband Rob is very proud of his big deck. As he should be, not everyone has as nice a deck as we do. He keeps his deck nice and clean. A man who takes care of his deck is a good man indeed!

I was thinking it was the Winter of our discontent. And it too shall pass....Spring has sprung.

I never thought that spring would happen this year. We have had more snowy mornings in the past few months that I can ever remember living here in the wet side of Washington State. I don't do winter very well, face it, I'm a wimp around snow and ice. I think it's pretty and all, but what I don't like is that it is slippery as hell and I don't like to fall. Well, the falling isn't really the problem it's the landing. You'd think that all my padding would protect me, but all that fat does is make nice big colorful bruises. So woo hoo! It's now Spring!

Then I realize, everything is budding, the birds are singing and I am sneezing and wheezing. I can't breathe, my nose is either stuffy or dripping. I wake up each day and have to trowel out the corners of my eyes which are weeping from the pollen. I spent an hour in the garden today and that was all I could take. I'm going to pop a pill, suck on my inhaler and take a nap. I'll dream about how lovely my garden will be when the garden gnomes come and finish the weeding for me.

BTW, the Korean ladies outside the H-Mart gave me a packet of tissues with bible verses on them. Now God will bless me every time I blow my nose.

Wardrobe Malfunction or Weapons of Mass Destruction?

I went to the dentist for a cleaning today (I have no cavities and I got stars for all my flossing. Thanks for asking) and while I'm laying feet up, blood draining to my brain, I feel something funny going on with my boobs. Now before you think the dentist, who is a babe for a 50 yr old guy, is having his way, the answer to that is no. I look up (since I've got my feet up, my boobs are up not down) and I see what looks like a third nipple pushing out of the middle of my chest. I slide my hand under that paper towel with the alligator clips that is protecting me from blood spatters and feel around. It's the underwire of my bra. It has popped it's casing and working it's way outward. I push it back down, but now it just looks like I'm fondling myself and it won't go back in, in fact, it's sticking out more. I'm sure the hygienist was wondering WTF. So I told her. "My girls are escaping! They have broken free of their restraints and are going to take over the world." Somehow she managed to finish cleaning my teeth while my new tit pushed further out. By now it looks more like a tiny penis that is pointing west. I finish up and consider trying to repair things in the restroom, but I'm not equipped to handle things here. I don't want to pull the wire all the way out, as then I will have one nice perky boob and one hanging to my knees. So I just pull my sweater over the growing appendage and make my way to the car. Once safely home, I repaired things and the girls are safe back in their place.

Remember, it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye!

And I thought my thighs were huge. Another WTF moment

The YouTube explanation states: Really weird poodle exercise video for humans. This is a mesmerizing and frightening video. It's a word-for-word parody of Susan Powter's first workout video, featuring poodles and a crazy poodle-woman. Absolutely surreal. It was made by Nagi Noda for Panasonic. It was part of 10 films they made for the 2004 Athens Olympics.

As if the world wasn't dangerous enough. Damn, more shit to worry about.

So I was trolling the internet and came across this website that asks the question: What are your chances of getting a tapeworm? Now being fat the thought of a tapeworm has not crossed my mind..okay, maybe once or twice. Having the ability to eat and have something else get fat might be okay but the whole worm thing makes me want to vomit (that brings up bulimia but I'm not going there either)

So anyway, there is a quiz. I took it and here are my results. I'm kind of scared now or maybe excited.



I saw an episode of House were the good doctor pulls a 25 foot tape worm out of some woman. Holy shit!

Happy B-Day Barbie and Tats to you!

Today is Barbie's 50th birthday. She looks pretty good for an old broad. Those breasts are still as perky as even. And since she never had kids, she still has that impossible to believe waistline. And her legs go on forever. No fallen arches, she can still strut her stuff in mile high heels!

Now to celebrate her big 50 she now has tattoos. She comes with 40 mini tattoos that can be placed anywhere on her luscious bod. And what could be better? There is also a tattoo gun that applies removable tats to your budding little crack ho-lettes. Move over Bratz, those cute little prostitots, here comes Barbie with a butterfly on her ass! There are those wondering what is next? Totally Pierced Barbie? I think we did that as kids, as I remember sticking pins in my dolls but I think we were going more for voodoo dolls and not a fashion statement.

Mattel said the new tattooed Barbie, priced online at around $20 and up, was selling better than expected.