Thursday, March 19, 2009

Customer Service, please God, help me!

Customer Service: Bank of DumbFuck, this is Stacey. How can I help you?
Me: Hi, Stacey. I'd like to know when I can expect my new Visa debit card.
CS: Ok, I just need to ask you a few questions to verify your identity. What is your name?
Me: Christine O
CS: Thank you Christine. What is the name of your pet?
Me: Charlie
CS: That's not correct.
Me: Figaro?
CS: Try again
Me: Cleo? Panda? Jet? Jackie? Bruce?
CS: Bruce who?
Me: Bruce Lee!
CS: Correct. Now where is your account located?
Me: Washington
CS: What city?
Me: my small town?
CS: Try again? Where did you open the account
Me: Well, I was working for Bank of DumbFuck so maybe Big City?
CS: Correct. Now how can we be of service to you?
Me: I want to know when I'm getting my Visa debit card. It's been 10 days and I just want an idea of when it will get here.
CS: Your card went out in February.
Me: No, that card is disabled. I'm talking about my new card with the new number since the old one had fraud on it.
CS: I don't have a record of a new card being issued.
Me: I was told on the 7th that because of fraud I would be getting a new card with a new number in 7 to 10 days.
CS: That's 7 to 10 business days.
Me: So its coming?
CS: I don't show a record that CS ordered you a new card. There is an alert on the old card. I can remove that alert for you.
Me: No! I destroyed the cards as per CS instructions. I need new cards with new numbers. I have had fraud on that old account number, do not take the alert off.
CS: The fraud dept can not issue new cards, you would have needed to talk with CS to order a new card. Our records show that you didn't speak with CS.
Me: I did speak with CS. I called this very same number and they told me they would issue me a new number and new cards.
CS: Our records show that you didn't speak with CS.
Me: Fine! But if I didn't speak with CS, how come I knew that it would take 7 to 10 days for a new card?
CS: That's 7 to 10 BUSINESS DAYS, Ms O.
Me: (ha!, I'm no longer Christine but Ms O.) That's Mrs O.
CS: Excuse me?
Me: Okay, let's just back up. I need new debit cards.
CS: I can issue replacement cards that will arrive in 7 to 10 business days.
Me: With a new number, right?
CS: If that is what you want.
Me: Well considering that someone in India has the old number I guess that would be the smart thing to do then, eh? Can you expedite this? As it really is CS's fault that it's been 10 days and I still don't have my new cards.
CS: We are unable to expedite this. It will be 7 to 10 business days. And for security reasons, each card will be sent separately.
Me: But if each card has the same number and one doesn't arrive, then won't you have to cancel both cards?
CS: That's correct.
Me: So why send them separately?
CS: For security reasons.
Me: Whatever!
CS: So Christine, is there anything else I can help you with?
Me: (so it's back to BFF and first names) No Stacey, you have been helpful enough.
CS: Thank you for banking with Bank of DumbFuck.


  1. This is why I got out of banking! At least she wasn't a guy named "Bob" with that funny "accent"!

  2. OMG! Fucking Bank of DumbFuck! I hate their fucking dumbasses! I feel your pain. I want to tell them all to get fucked but they practically own me for the rest of my debt ridden life.

  3. What a freakin' cluster Fuck! I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. I think the bank hubby convinced me to change to is this same one and I HATE them!

    What a pain in the arse! Girl you rock at being so calm!

  4. I hate customer service- esp at banks! What a frustrating call.

  5. This actually made me laugh right out loud.
    Sometimes it seems like they just follow their script no matter what you say. Must. not. deviate. from. script.