Can you get detention for cursing the Principal's wife?

I made costumes for my daughter's school play, 3 of 6 bird girl dresses for Suessical the Musical. I had a week to do this and I got it done. It was an awful pattern, awful fabric, missing instructions but I got it done. Someone else was doing the other 3 costumes.

So this other someone doing bird girl outfits (who just happens to be the Principal's wife), gets her supplies the same day as me. It's now been 2 weeks since she got them. The drama teacher is upset as he wanted them a week ago. It's now almost the weekend and she is going away. So she calls me and asks me if I can finish what she started. Of course, I say, because I'm a team player and the show must go on. She drops by and gives me what she has. She has cut the fabric out. And sewn a few darts. That's it, almost 2 weeks and she did something that I got done in about 20 minutes. And she also put a huge scorch mark on the back of one. It also turns out she cut one out too small and she hopes I can fix it, maybe put some panels in or something. Oh yeah, and can I get this done by Monday?

So I spent many hours sewing today. I went back to the fabric store to get more fabric for the ruined outfit. Today is also the first day of 2 weeks of Girl Scout cookie sales. So when I'm not at the grocery store with Girl Scouts peddling cookies, I will be cursing this woman who bailed on the costumes.

Fat Tuesday

So today is Mardi Gras or Fat Tuesday. Apparently this is a big celebration in some parts of our great country, mainly the south. Here in wet, wet Washington, I had heard about a celebration in Seattle one year where someone got shot in Pioneer Square on Fat Tuesday, so I guess us northerners just aren't into playing nice together. Maybe because it's still too cold for all the drunken gals to show off their titties. And if drunken guys don't get their titty fix, then all hell breaks out.

So I decided to figure out what Fat Tuesday was because around here it's Fat Monday, Fat Tuesday, Fat Wednesday, etc well, Fat everyday. Somehow I figured out it wasn't a celebration of the size of my ass. So I went to one of my favorite sources for information. The Urban Dictionary. Here are the definitions:

1. Fat Tuesday: English for Mardi Gras (like duh, I knew that)

2. Fat Tuesday: Spending a Tuesday eating fatty food and watching movies. The founders of this day are Dan Williamson and Jonathan Chen of the United Kingdom. Experts say that a Fat Tuesday once in a while is actually healthy for you.

3. Fat Tuesday: Friday and Saturday used to be considered the best day of the week but now Domino's Pizza is offering two single pizza toppings for just $5.99

Their definition for Mardi Gras:

1. Mardi Gras: is French for "Fat Tuesday" Originally created in Mobile, Alabama but now made into amazing shit by New Orleans, Louisiana. Although Mardi Gras Day is the big day of celebration it is the days, or should we say nights, that are really celebrated. Random hookups, exposures of oneself, and complete and total memory loss and lack of judgement occur on these wonderful nights.

2. Mardi Gras: literally "fat Tuesday"; a festival day ending a period of celebration and excess; usually occurs mid to late February, sometimes early March. Immediately followed by Ash Wednesday and Lent. Traditional Mardi Gras celebrations are held in Mobile, AL and New Orleans, LA

3. Mardi Gras: french for 'fat tuesday', a sort of parade where women flash their boobies and drunken people throw beads at them, etctera.

There were many many more definitions out there. Too many for here.

So what have we learned here? That Fat Tuesday is a religious holiday that lets you let loose, get drunk, flash boobs and get cheap jewelry. Sounds a lot like Valentines Day around our house.

*In celebration of Mardi Gras, I had my Girl Scouts make masks. Lots of glitter, glue, rhinestones, sequins and feathers. The girls loved it, but I wonder what the parents were thinking?

Cookie Crazy

It's Girl Scout Cookie time in my area and I'm not only a leader to 2 troops (8 first graders and 8 eighth graders), I'm the cookie mom for both the troops. I don't mind doing it, as I'm so anal that I like being in control of the cookies.

Right now there are over 1100 boxes of cookies that my troops need to sell before March 15. This is in addition to the 1000 boxes they presold by taking orders.

So my public announcement is to support your local youth groups by buying a box or 2 of Girl Scout Cookies, Campfire Mints, Popcorn from Boy Scouts, etc. Bringing these programs to our communities is done mostly by volunteers. So think twice and help out.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT!! You know you want some!

Biggest Love

Damn HBO. I have really been thinking about cutting down on my cable package as there is never anything on most of the bizillion channels anyway but I'm too wrapped up in Big Love.

This week they added a 4th wife and instead of adding value to their lives, its just a big competition and wife backstabbing. I love it. I think we should have some extra wives around my house. We could have the cleaning wife, the cooking wife, the laundry wife, and then me. I could do the stuff I liked, like gardening and sewing and other creative things. I might not be down with the whole sharing the sex thing though.

Anyway, Bill, the husband, has all these woman who are all vying for his attention, all these kids, 3 mortgages, a failing business and in-laws from hell. All in the name of religion. I think instead of adding more wives, they need to add more husbands. Bill won't be having to take Viagra so he can be the sex machine they all expect. He'll have someone to help take kids to the Daddy/Kid events. He can have a friend to hang out with at the golf course. Maybe a little love interest between the guys too!

I'm going to email my story idea to HBO.

Where's the beef?

My son decided to become a vegetarian. He calls me up and says he isn't eating meat anymore and then gives me a list of items he wants me to have around the house. Of course I'm astounded. This is the kid that as soon as breakfast hit the table he would pounce on the bacon plate and ask how many piece did he get. This was the scale that he would use to rate a successful meal, if he got enough bacon. So I did what any mom would do, I asked if his boyfriend was a vegetarian. I also said that just because someone only eats french fries, it does not make them a vegetarian. He rolls his eyes (yes, I can tell over the phone when one of my family rolls their eyes at me). I tell him that I will give him some money and he can buy a vegetarian starter kit at the store. He comes home with Quorn Chckn Nuggets and Tofurkey. He's got lunch and dinner covered as I always have fruit and vegetables on hand.

I'm ok with his choice, hey, I even made sure he has vitamins so I can be sure he is getting the right stuff. But what I don't like is the fact that the stuff he is eating is fake meat. It seem kind of hypocritical to eat products that resemble what you are giving up. But then I figured I put non dairy creamer in my coffee because I'm a bit lactose intolerant, so there you go. So Aaron eats his fungus nuggets (I haven't told him what quorn is and I don't think he looked into it) and I have the pleasure of making his sandwich with the Tofurkey, or as I call it faux turkey or tofunky. The stuff feels and smells nasty. For god's sake, have a cheese sandwich. When ever I handle the stuff I have to immediately wash my hands with hot hot water. It's kind of like the reaction I have when I get canned cat food on my hand when feeding the cats. EWWW GROSS. Anyway, he is eating meatless and it costs me a fortune as this stuff is expensive.

Last night he called me from Dallas while visiting his dad. He is informing me that he is giving up milk. That it just grosses him out now and he can no longer drink something that is like pus squeezed from a cow's breast. He continued to rant on and on but I missed part of it as I was dishing up ice cream. So I said, "What about ice cream?" He was silent for a moment. Then he said, "there's always Tofutti"

Happy VD

Have a Happy Valentines Day!

Increasing my vocabulary so can appear younger and cooler

I frequently troll the Urban Dictionary so I can keep up with modern slangisms. Face it, I'm a middle aged mother who is struggling to communicate with her kids. Of course if I actually used any of the words my kids use, they would roll their eyes and tell me to "stop! stop right now!" But I also like to scroll thru UD and find words that tickle my fanny.

Carcolepsy: a condition affecting buddies on a trip who fall asleep as soon as the car starts moving, providing no company or driving help. This is me. I am a car sleeper. I once slept from Washington State to New Jersey. Of course I had mono at the time.

Bedgasm: A feeling of complete and utter euphoria which peaks when climbing into bed at the end of a long day, a long road trip or hours of extremely strenuous physical activity. Under perfect conditions, the physical release has been likened to that of an intense sexual experience. Our new bed is bliss. We can't wait to get into it every night.

Kitchenheimers: When you're in the kitchen going around in circles because you can't remember what you were doing there. C'mom, we all do this, duh!

Destinesia: When you get to where you were intending to go, you forget why you were going there in the first place. See above!

Snow hysteria: When the populace's fear of a snowstorm creates traffic jams and general panic way before any flakes even fall. Usually turns out to be a totally disproportionate response to a minor snowstorm. I live near Seattle, we don't do well with snow. We have whole news casts devoted to the "possibility" of snow. We are shut down by 1 inch of snow.

Mis-wave: To return a wave to someone you think is waving at you, but is actually waving to the person behind you. Usually results in embarrassment and introversion. Of course, as I age and my eye sight fails, I'm doing the opposite also and not waving when I know someone and am now considered unfriendly bitch.

Moneymoon: The time after your purchase of a good or service and before 'buyer's remorse' happens. Do you want me to name off all the crap I own that I just "had to have"?

So there are a few new words I'd love to be able to use in real life but I'm never that quick on the uptake to respond accordingly but I'll think of it later.

New word: Misrepartee: All those witty and clever remarks you think of later after the conversation is over. I submitted it to UD, I'll see if it gets posted!

update: DENIED!!

From: info@urbandictionary.com
Sent: Wed 2/11/09 11:24 AM
Thanks for your definition of Misrepartee! Editors reviewed your entry and have decided to not publish it.

Hairy as a Yeti

As I was showering this morning I noticed that I have bangs on my knees. I'm not saying that I don't shave my legs very often, but I do tend to neglect it during the winter for the added warmth it gives me.

I have always been on the light side of body hair. Blondish or very light brown and it's not very thick. Even my hair on my lady bits, although dark, it's sparse, silky and straight. The only curly hair I have is that damn odd spot on the left side of my head. Excess body hair has never been a big issue for me. Even the bikini area (like I'd ever be in a bikini but you know the part I mean, inner thighs!) doesn't have hair. This could be because my thighs rub together and have worn off any. Ok then menopause hit and face it, I'm not the same woman I once was. WTF, where or where did all this hair come from? And the rate of return? I'd like to see this on my investment account! So I've got bangs on my knees, pointy chin hairs, my hair on my head seems to be growing at record speeds which means my roots need touching up every week! (not that I do it every week, but it needs it)

So this is the trade off, I look like Chewbacca but no mood swings or visits from Aunt Flo.

Started out as a Tribute to Valentines Day, became more of a Tirade about Bicycling

Valentines Day is coming up. My husband and I will be home alone all weekend. Nicole is going on a Girl Scout retreat and Aaron will be in Texas visiting his father. Sounds like a recipe for romance? Maybe...

First off, Rob will spend the whole weekend biking. He will drive 40 miles to bike 60. Seems confusing but he rides with a bike club so this is a social thing. Why don't I ride with him? HA! Rob has specialized bikes. Road bikes, mountain bikes, recumbent bikes. He has loads of gear. Special shoes, spandex galore, helmet covers, a rear view mirror that attaches to his glasses. He spends hours on the bike, hours on the internet looking at bikes and gear. Hours cleaning and tuning his bikes. He has more bikes than anyone else I know. What do I have? A helmet, my old stretch pants so my pant leg won't get caught in the chain, a really cool bell and the best comfort bike on the planet. The saddle is the size of a tractor seat and the coolest thing on my bike is that I can stop and put my feet on the ground for balance without falling over. I love my bike. Rob put a computer on it so I can see how slow fast I am going and how few many miles I have put on. So maybe if it's nice (because I don't bike when it's pissing down rain like some people) we will cruise around the neighborhood. Rob will do this little ride with me because he is nice, even tho I know he is itching for the wind in his face and to feel the burn of climbing steep hills.

Oh yeah, Valentines Day, we will probably cook dinner ourselves and Rob will chose to make something that is very complicated and very spicy that will cause him to perfume the air under the covers all night long. Ain't love grand?


Rob's Favorite Road Bike









My Cute Comfort Bike

Nicole's House Tour or Nix Cool Pix

Nicole did a photo essay of our house for the hell of it. Most of Nik's pics are those of herself.

The chill chest
















The family room AKA the bike barn












Tidy bowl woman










Living room as viewed from under the coffee table









Nik's closet










Mom's sewing room










Toilet's eyeview of the bathtub










Nicole playing Barbies in the Playroom

Psst...I need a fix

I went to the crack yarn store today. Yarn is like crack cocaine to me. I see it, I gotta have it, I need it, my palms get sweaty, I want my next fix. I'm addicted to it. I'm a junkie. Unfortunately I can't afford what I like most of the time and so I don't get to feed my habit enough. I'm trying something new. I don't buy unless I have a project actually in mind and not just because I want it. I was good today and didn't buy any but I've got a jones for it and I'll be back. I love the textures and the content. Wool and soybean. Silk and bamboo. Cashmere. I love the fun accent yarns. I feel kinda sick that I didn't come home with a baggie full.

Here is a picture of my purse that I made. Not everyone's style but I like it.

What Chris Wants

I saw a blog the other day that said to go out and google your first name and "needs". I tried that but there is a Chris Needs person out there and I didn't like the results. So I changed the directive to "Chris wants" because, face it, I want a lot of things. I figure who better knows what I want than the all mighty oracle "Google" So here are some of my "wants":

Chris wants boobs - Actually, I'd like perkier boobs, age and gravity have taken their toll

Chris wants flowers NOW! - Say it with Flowers, hint hint.

Chris wants to Battle - Frankly I don't like to fight but a little wii competition, maybe

Chris wants your questions - Go ahead, ask away. If I don't know the answer, I promise to make up something good.

Chris wants out - Help me, I'm stuck cleaning house

Chris wants my kiss kiss - Kiss kiss my what what?

Chris wants to become a singer - American Idol, here I come. I can't carry a tune in a fish.

Chris wants to change her name - to Matilda

Chris wants you to call for help - and send over the Maid Brigade

Chris wants more of the same - Maid service once a week?? Yes!

Chris wants to find the perfect outfit - I need to find the perfect body first.

Chris wants to adopt like Brangelina - Just shoot me now.

Chris wants Empress crowns, not porcelain to metal - I'm thankful I have my own teeth. All bought and paid for.

Chris wants to build thinking machines to do some of our thinking for us - Duh, isn't that what my computer is doing right now?

Chris wants to plunder the wreckage - Plunder sounds like pirates, argh!

Chris wants to secure the border and enforce existing immigration law - I just want to remember to close the gate and keep the neighbor's dog out of my yard.

Chris wants to have sex with cousin - Excuse me, I have my own teeth and don't live in Arkansas, ewww!

Chris wants to make a documentary film - About what?

Chris wants to highlight the importance of looking after the world for future generations - This might make a good documentary film subject

Chris wants to eat the chocolate easter egg that's upstairs - Sorry, I love chocolate but I have my limits. Any easter eggs upstairs are too too old to eat. Now the Christmas candy...

Chris wants to start acting more serious - What?!? and cause everyone to drop dead?

Chris wants a portable cassette play for Christmas - To go with the Sony Betamax in the garage!! oh goody!

Chris wants to contribute something positive and loving to the world - Well, that surely isn't this blog, eh?