Thursday, October 2, 2008

Life can be SHIT (graphic)

This post is about Shit. Who gives a Shit? I had a Shitty day. Ah Shit! Shit happens. See how Shit is everywhere?

When my kids got out of diapers I thought I was pretty much done with Shit. At least I would be able to keep my Shit to myself. But then I hit 50 and Shit became important again. Colon screening is now a part of life.

A couple weeks ago, my doctor hands me an envelope with these cute little cards with a hinged cover. Under the cover were 2 boxes for smear samples. Also include were special papers and sticks. These are Pooh sticks. Of course the only Pooh sticks in my life before were the ones you drop off a bridge and watch float down a stream. So ever a rule follower, I read the directions and prepare for 3 days of Shit.

Day one, I flush as instructed, place special paper in toilet and do my business. The paper is suppose to help float your Shit in the toilet out of the water so you can take your sample with your Pooh stick. Every other day of my life, my Shit floats and it takes a day of flushing to get that sucker down. Not today, Shit sinks to the bottom and I put my Pooh stick away until the urge hits again.

Day 2, well, really Day 1 again. This time I turn to Glad and use a nice disposable container. I get my sample with my Pooh stick. Clean up the mess. The next 2 days run smooth. And yes, I did dispose of the Glad ware.

After I turn in my samples, I get the results and everything looks fine. This news prompts Dr. S to order more tests because you just don't know what kind of evil lurks in your ass until you can get someone to poke around in there. I had just taken Rob in for a colonoscopy, so I knew the drill, drink the drano, they knock you loopy and smile, you're on candid camera. But that's too easy for me, I get to have a flexible sigmoidoscopy. Since this is a minimally invasive procedure, joy of joys, I don't have to drink the drano, I get to self administer an enema. 3 enemas set an hour apart, then off to get my colon scoped.

The day before my Shitty day, I get a phone message from my HMO. The machine cuts off so I don't get the message. I call back and I can't find anyone to tell me why they called. No one calls back, I figure it's just the curtsy call reminding me of my appointment.

Today, Shit day, I prep my room for possible disasters, covering my new bed to protect it from leakage. I consider covering the wall in direct line to where my ass will be facing and perhaps the ceiling in case of projectile Shit. This has happened to me before. My lovely mother, may she rest in peace, was a firm believer in an active bowel was a happy bowel. She was always asking me and my sister if we had gone Shit that day. If we hadn't, we were on Shit alert. After 2 days, it was time for mom to get the Shit out. She would fill the enema bag with warm soapy water, hang if from the shower curtain rod and have me remove my pants and lean into the tub. Next was the Vaseline and then the nozzle was inserted. Sounds like something out of Sybil but it did it's job. One time, mom had to leave the room right after the enema flowed. I can't remember if it was the door or the phone, but she left me leaned over the tub and instructed me to stay there and she would be right back. She didn't come right back. I'm sure I tried to keep the Shit it. But that day the Shit hit the fan, and the walls, and just about everywhere. Shit Happens.

So my room is all prepped. I've read the instructions, I checked out the cute pictures of how to and how long to hold it. It was not a pretty sight. I was not able to hold it in the required 5-10 minutes. About the 3 minute mark, I'm thinking that I really should have covered the walls and ceiling. I roll off the bed and head the few feet to my bathroom. I left a trail and I'll be mopping and using Resolve for days. I wait an hour and try it again. This time it's even shorter but I make it to the bathroom without incident. Great only 1 more to go, when the phone rings. It's the doctor's office wanting to know if I got the message that my appointment needs to be rescheduled. I laugh hysterically and explain how far along I am in my preparations. The nurse is very nice and says that they will waive my co-pay to make up for the inconvenience and asks when would I like to reschedule. She did say the purging one's bowels was healthy so it wasn't a total waste. I have only one thing to say - Bull Shit!


  1. OH MY GOD!!!! I deal with shit everyday and in everyway in my house...but you definitely take the blog! You have a way of writing, I have finally closed my mouth...and...umm...I sympathize, I don't know if I want to empathize...Egads woman! So are you feeling lighter and more free? House clean? :D

  2. OMG! Your worst fear realized! I can't believe it.

  3. I'm so sorry but I'm lauging my ass off at your shitty day. Makes my stopped up sink seem pretty minimal in the grand scheme of things.

    Speaking of sinks, your advice totally fixed mine and you accomplished what my husband could not! You are also not full of shit to boot! So Congratlations!

    Further proof that boobs do it better. :)