Why I don't Blog much anymore

I haven't been myself for a while. I've been dealing with depression and other health related issues. I created My Cat ate my Brain as a place to post things that tickled my fancy or stories that I feel are hilarious. For a while now, its been a struggle to lay pen to paper, or in this case, finger to keyboard and get the ideas to come out. My meds are working tho and I'm feeling much better but other things aren't so good. These are the things I'm concentrating on now.

Most of my health issues are related to my weight. I'm fat, or as the doctor's term it morbidly obese. If I don't do something soon, I do not doubt that my life will be shorter and you can't blog from heaven. On Dec 23rd I'm having Gastric Bypass Surgery to help me on the way to a better and longer life. This is not a miracle cure or a skip in the park. It is a drastic life style change. My love affair with food is over and we are going to be just friends. And with most friends, you can only handle a little at a time.

To document my journey into the world of healthy living, I've created another blog called Losing It at http://toshortformyweight.blogspot.com/ Please stop by and lend me your support and encouragement along my journey.

May everyone have a great Christmas.

Chris

Premeditated Acts of Violence

Yesterday 4 Police Officers were slain by a lone gunman who entered a coffee shop known as a police hangout in a town near where I live. He went in with the intent to kill police officers. This incident comes less than a month after a car side shooting in Seattle where an officer was targeted. They have a suspect in the Seattle killing in custody. They have a suspect in the shooting yesterday but haven't found him to arrest as yet.

I am very upset by these killings. I'm frightened. The hubs is a police officer. Although we didn't know the officers slain or their families, we know what kind of people they are. They are us.

Do I worry about my hubs job? Yes
Do I wish he wasn't a cop? No
Would I ask him to change jobs? Never

I have immense pride in him and all those in law enforcement. He loves what he does. It takes a special person to be a cop. They don't do it for the money (it's not the best paying job around). They don't do it for the glory. They do it because they believe in our country, our communities, our safety.

I hope I never have to face what the families of those officers are going through. I pray my husband and his coworkers, his friends, never have to face a crazed killer.

The Screaming is getting fainter

Something happened to me over the summer or maybe even sooner, I'm not sure I can pin point when it started but I know when I realized that something was wrong. About the end of August I decided I had better make my yearly appointment with my doctor. I usually try and put this off as long as possible but I was not feeling at all like myself. Not a purely physical thing but a mental thing. I was finding it harder and harder to cope with every day life. I sometimes felt like I was screaming inside my head and every day that screaming was getting louder.

I hadn't mentioned any urgency when I made my appointment so I had a couple weeks to wait. I should have made it sooner but hey, I wasn't sick, I just was a bit anxious. But as the days ticked by, my anxiety got worse and worse. Always a procrastinator, I found myself putting off things more and more. I was crying alot at Aaron's antics. One day Rob called with a great offer on a vacation in Palm Springs. He had a friend who couldn't use their condo, all we had to do is pay for our airfare and food, etc. I snapped, I couldn't be faced with making this kind of decision. Every aspect of this trip caused my chest to tighten and I felt like I couldn't breathe. The next day I saw my doctor.

I love Dr Smith. He is a very soft spoken kind man. As I weepingly told him my problems, he had me do an evaluation that helped him determine how bad I felt my life was. He prescribed an antidepressant and a mild tranquilizer to help when I felt really anxious. We also talked about other health related issues and I left feeling better about things.

The first couple weeks I started to feel a bit better. The screaming was not as loud and not as frequent. I still had some extreme bouts of anxiety but I don't like the tranqs, they make me loopy and more tired. For a while I wasn't able to go shopping for more than 10-15 minutes before I couldn't handle it any longer. I was grocery shopping almost every day as I couldn't get more than a few items at a time. This last week I finally did a fair amount of shopping. I felt that this was a huge accomplishment.

I've had to back out of some commitments and have felt I have let people down because of my mental health. My daughter Brianne has been a great support to me as she understands what I'm going thru and I now understand her inner hell that she dealt with most of her life. Rob has been there for me always, even when at my worst when I doubt that I'm worthy of his love and devotion.

The medication is working. Most days I don't hear the screaming but I can tell it's still under the surface. I set goals for myself each day but I don't feel badly when I have to edit the list because it's too much for me. Each thing I can do, I give myself a pat on the back as it might seem like nothing but to me its a big thing.

I'm sure I've alienated some of my friends during this time. I've kind of shut myself off from the outside trying to keep as much drama out of my life. And my paranoia that I don't have any real friends hasn't been helpful.

I'm better than I was a month ago, better than I was just last week. I working hard to come back to being myself. I see me peeking out now and then and it's wonderful.

Dear World

I thought I'd write something but I'm really loopy. Doctor gave me great drugs to calm me down. I think I'm going to crawl off to bed. I can't wait for the "happy" pills to kick in. At least the tranq stopped the screaming in my head.

Love
Chris

Is Crisis the new High?

I know a couple of people who seem to thrive on crisis. I think they get joy out of having turmoil in their lives. They also seem to get some kind of pleasure out of the suffering of others. They are very quick to jump on some one's bandwagon and make judgments from what they hear from others without ever considering there maybe another side of the story or that the story they heard was perhaps enhanced to make the teller feel better about their actions? Even when they know the other person or persons involved, they might still accept what they were told at face value. Maybe it's just me, but just because someone says it's so, I don't always believe it. I tend to think that the person spreading the story has some agenda because why talk about unpleasant situations with those who didn't need to know about it in the first place?

I'm not perfect, far from it. But I like to think that people are basically good and as adults, we should be able to find solutions to problems without alienating each other. I tend to turn the other cheek alot and let things slide when I can't make things better. I was told recently that I'm always trying to pat things down and find a way to make everyone happy. I got the feeling they felt this trait was a bad thing.

Maybe I'm just a fucking Pollyanna and that's why I keep turning the other cheek until I get kicked in the ass. Should I go around expecting the worse to happen, expect the worst from people, look for a disaster around every corner? I'm just clueless I guess. I've either got my head in the clouds or up my ass.

The Story that never ends....

It has been 5 weeks since I stepped into the job of fill-in office manager while they decide on a replacement. They are having 2nd interviews next week, mid week. I guess I should feel grateful that I am still being considered but it just makes me sad.

I have been running the office, doing whatever I can to keep things going on as normal for over a month. I contribute a lot, help out where I can. I don't think it will be enough as I guess my boss is thinking that who ever she hires might want to promote up someday to one of the salaried positions of area manager. This is not something I want or am qualified for and they know this. The fact that no one has ever promoted up from this position doesn't enter into the decision, but oh well.

Wish me luck or maybe not.

Psst...I need a fix

I went to the crack yarn store today. Yarn is like crack cocaine to me. I see it, I gotta have it, I need it, my palms get sweaty, I want my next fix. I'm addicted to it. I'm a junkie. Unfortunately I can't afford what I like most of the time and so I don't get to feed my habit enough. I'm trying something new. I don't buy unless I have a project actually in mind and not just because I want it. I was good today and didn't buy any but I've got a jones for it and I'll be back. I love the textures and the content. Wool and soybean. Silk and bamboo. Cashmere. I love the fun accent yarns. I feel kinda sick that I didn't come home with a baggie full.

Here is a picture of my purse that I made. Not everyone's style but I like it.

What the Buck?? er, Starbuck

A while ago I wrote about a problem I had with Starbucks and that I did not have a satisfying experience at one of their stores. I had emailed their customer website to explain my situation. They promised me free drink coupons. This was in September.

Last week I emailed them again and said this: "I have to tell you that I did appreciate the sentiment behind the kind email that was generated due to my poor customer service experience. I was touched that you thought to send coupons for free beverages. I probably would have returned to Starbucks if I had ever received the coupons but after 2 months I figure it's become a non issue and I'm not going to get them. We had a great time together and I'm sure we will see each other from time to time but I'm just one customer and losing my business will not effect your company's bottom line and I do prefer other coffees and mostly just patronized your stores for the convenience."

Then the next day I read this in the Seattle Times: Profit takes big hit as Starbucks readjusts to bad economy
It's been a rough year for Starbucks, which saw a 97 percent profit drop in the fourth quarter and a sharp decline in traffic and spending at U.S. stores.

So now I'm feeling guilty that my boycott really may have effected the company and I feel badly for sending such an unfeeling email when they are definitely suffering. So I am going to go back to Starbucks and use those coupons that came in the mail yesterday. Okay, that won't help their bottom line at all, but I get free coffee and that's what is important.

Collections

Lots of people collect things. Teacups, vases, sports memorabilia, etc...you get the picture. One thing many of us collect is Stamps. I'm not talking about postage stamps. This is more of a metaphor.

Many of us compartmentalize our relationships with people like a page in a stamp album. We start with a nice clean page and we add that first stamp that represents this person. This can be a mint condition stamp or a common everyday stamp or a dirty, torn stamp that doesn't please us but we add it anyway. As our relationship builds, we add more stamps. This increases or decreases the value of our stamp album. The glue we use is strong, we can't remove some of these stamps. Some stamps are so big, there leaves no room for more stamps. Sometimes we try to cover over a stamp but find it hard when that stamp is so big.

I collect stamps. I'm not always happy about my stamp collecting. I sometimes collect other people's stamps for them. These are a sheer copy of their stamps and I let them color over my stamps. Sometimes I'm strong enough to redesign a stamp so I can't remember what it used to look like.

I hand out my own stamps, some of these are glorious stamps, some are decayed and rotting. I keep a page of my own stamps that I go over and over, adding more glue to some, picking at the corners of others. Sometimes a friend helps me remove a stamp, this can be difficult as traces of that stamp are always there.

I wish that I collect Chocolates instead.

We The People

Today I voted.

Thirty two years ago I voted for the first time. I pulled the lever on a rainy night in New Jersey for my candidate. I was 18 years old. I was proud to be an American.

Today I voted. I cast my ballot on a rainy morning in Washington for my candidate. I am now 50 years old. I am proud to be an American.

One nation. My nation. Our nation.

The United States of America

We are a nation of many colors.

Red, White and Blue

If Things had been Different.....

Do you ever have flash backs (no, not LSD flash backs) to your childhood? To times that were so miserable that you wonder if they scarred you and you might have become a different person if things were different?

I had one really horrible year when I was a kid and I still recall parts of it vividly. I can't find things I saw 2 days ago but my mind is fresh on this.

When I was in first grade I was given an intelligence test and scored well. My parents were told I was brilliant and that the school wanted me to enter this program called Accelerated Primary - meaning I would do 2nd and 3rd grade in one year. My parents were thrilled and loved the bragging rights so off I went to a different school with no one that I knew. Back then, I was a shy quiet kid (truly I was!!) and right at the start I was scared and sad. I don't remember having any girl friends in the class and it seems like I sat alone on the steps during recess. I hated school especially when they discovered I wasn't brilliant. That somehow they missed that I didn't know how to read. I was taught the See and Say method instead of Phonics. So although I could memorize words really well, if I hadn't been told how to say the word I didn't have the skills to sound it out. So for the whole year I struggled with reading and had a teacher who didn't have time to work with me. I fell behind and became more miserable. My worse day was when I needed to use the rest room which were in the main building and we were in a portable. The teacher would not let me go to the rest room and told me to wait until recess. I tried to wait. I didn't. I remember sitting at my seat, tears running down my face and pee running across the floor. I remember the long wet march across the playground and the school nurse cleaning me up and giving me an old dress from their stash of clothes for such emergencies. Needless to say, kids are cruel and I was teased for the next few months about wetting my pants.

My parents were aware of how sad I was but told me to stick it out. When the end of the year came, the teacher told my mother she didn't think I was ready for 4th grade and wanted to place me in 3rd. They recommended I get reading help too. So 3rd grade I was back at my old school with my friends and although I had to go to the special room for reading help, it was a much better year. That is until my sister Cathy decided to play hairdresser and whacked off my hair. I wanted to wear a hat for a month. Cathy said it was my fault, that I asked her to do it. Now who listens to a 3rd grader?

Starbucks

I had an incident at Starbucks yesterday. It's my own fault. I expect bad things to happen so they do and then I huff and puff about it. I should just know better.

I was on my way to work (I like saying "work" as I haven't "worked" outside the home for 6 years, I'm so proud) and I figured I had more than enough time to cruise thru Starbucks and get my favorite drink - Grande Mocha Frappuccino Light. They are only 140 calories, are artifically sweeten and I like the taste. Ok, a regular cup of coffee with splenda and coffeemate is only 35 calories but it's not as fun and tasty.

I pull into the drive thru and there are a couple of cars in line. The car in front of me goes to order and I've rolled down my window to wait my turn and can hear her ordering. She must have been the last person in the free world to have never been to Starbucks before. She is asking for descriptions of the drinks and the food and is getting feedback from the toddler in the carseat. Finally she completes her order and its my turn to order. I say "a Grande Mocha Frappuccino Light please". She says, "Grande Mocha Frappuccino." I say "a Grande Mocha Frappuccino Light". She says, "Grande Mocha Frappuccino." I say, "Light" She says, "Right" At this point, I should have figured out my order was doomed.

I pull up behind the lady with the tot and she is being handed her drink and goodies. She takes a sip of her drink and I hear her say, "oh, this isn't what I wanted, let me have a latte instead and could you make a cocoa for my son." The barista takes back her drink and makes her new ones, gets more money and finally they go on their merry way. I get to the window and pay. She says, "coming right up". She tries to hand me my drink and I say, "That's not a Grande Mocha Frappuccino Light!" She says, "It's a Grande Mocha Frappuccino." I said, "Light" She says, "You said Right" I said, "I can't have this drink, it has too much sugar and I'm not allowed to have it." She says, "Oh, I guess we can make you a new drink." It's now been 15 minutes in the Starbucks drive through and I am going to be so late to my job now. So I said, "Just give me back my money, I don't have time to wait for you to make me my drink." She says, "I'll have to get someone to open the register." Finally I get my money and go on my way. I'm 10 minutes late to work and it wouldn't have been a big deal except I had to pick up supplies and be somewhere ASAP.

And do you know what is truly pathetic? After I finished where I needed to be, I went to Starbucks for that damn Grande Mocha Frappuccino Light. I was fixated on it. I had to have it! And I enjoyed it thoroughly. And what is more pathetic, I am sitting here, practically drooling, thinking about going out and getting another Grande Mocha Frappuccino Light this morning before I do anything else.

The Secret (sex) Life of the American Teenager

Nicole and I just finished watching the season finale of the show The Secret Life of the American Teenager. For those not in the know, it's about a 15 yr old pregnant teen and her school full of sex crazed kids. We have watched this together this past summer and we were both rather disappointed in it. First, the acting sucks. Or maybe it's the scripts that suck which causes the actors to act badly. All these teenagers spend too much time talking with adults about their feelings. They open up and spill it all. Oh, get real! You don't get information from teens without a crowbar and even then, it's full of holes. OK, I'm sure some teens talk about everything with their parents but I just don't know any.

Nicole and I have used this show though, to talk about the issue of teen sex and pregnancy. She is pretty open in our discussions and is very good about giving her opinion. Also, I just like that we have time together. We don't just talk about the show, we talk about school, friends, the future- in high school and college. We both respect each other and our opinions.

Although the show isn't living up to my expectations as far as content and reality, it has opened more discussions with my teenage daughter and that is always a good thing.

Mean Girls

Why is it so easy to believe the worst about people? I try not to assume that everything I hear is the truth. Most of the time it is just part of the truth, an edited edition of the truth, or an elaborated version. So often someone tells me what someone else said only to find that its more of what the listener thought they meant not necessarily what they said. If someone says they take an antidepressant, it doesn't mean that they are dysfunctional, suicidal or crazy. It seems to me that this person is doing the right thing by taking care of themselves. Whereas how many times have you heard, "they should be on drugs" when some one is not functioning okay.

My daughter takes antidepressants and I am proud of her for taking control of her life. She is herself only better because she wasn't afraid to find a solution to add quality to her life.

I try not to hate people. I dislike a few but mostly I figure that everyone I know has something good going for them. We all have our quirks and I'm sure that mine are subject to discussion on more occasions than I like to think about. My friends have major quirks but that's what makes them unique and why I like being with them.

I'm very fortunate to have friends, good friends. I'm not sure I deserve them as I'm not always the best person I could be. I speak without thinking and can be critical instead of understanding. I also try to pat things down and smooth things over so everyone will get along. I turn the other cheek so often that I get kicked in the ass.

We need to trust others. We need to look for the good and expect it. We need to think before we act or speak and consider what could happen when we do.