Happy B-Day Barbie and Tats to you!

Today is Barbie's 50th birthday. She looks pretty good for an old broad. Those breasts are still as perky as even. And since she never had kids, she still has that impossible to believe waistline. And her legs go on forever. No fallen arches, she can still strut her stuff in mile high heels!

Now to celebrate her big 50 she now has tattoos. She comes with 40 mini tattoos that can be placed anywhere on her luscious bod. And what could be better? There is also a tattoo gun that applies removable tats to your budding little crack ho-lettes. Move over Bratz, those cute little prostitots, here comes Barbie with a butterfly on her ass! There are those wondering what is next? Totally Pierced Barbie? I think we did that as kids, as I remember sticking pins in my dolls but I think we were going more for voodoo dolls and not a fashion statement.

Mattel said the new tattooed Barbie, priced online at around $20 and up, was selling better than expected.

Blowing in a Group

As an extention of Rob's birthday weekend we went to a wine and cheese and blow party last night. No we were not using cocaine nor was this a group of swingers preforming oral sex on each other. We were blowing glass.

A group of cops and city workers have for the last 3 years gone to a Uptown Glassworks in Renton to make their own hand blown Christmas ornaments and have some food and wine, a social night out.

We were virgins on the blowing front, so we listened closely to the expert blowers who are the artists in resident at the glassworks as they explained our participation and theirs. Thankfully we were not going to be given the actually task of getting the molten glass from the furnace on to the blowpipe and sticking into the glory hole. Last night we were given a choice of making a glass ball or a bowl. Rob and I decided on balls for our Christmas tree. We were able to chose the color of our glass from about 2 dozen trays of crushed colored glass. Some were of one color or a combination of colors. We could chose up to 2 colors and then you could chose a smooth, ribbed or swirled pattern.

We all gathered around and watched as we each got our chance to create. Well we got to blow. They gave us each a sterile mouth piece (a 3 inch piece of a clear drinking straw) that we attached to a rubber tube. The actual blower then got a glob of molten glass onto the pipe got it orange hot in the glory hole, added the color and heated again. Now they attached the rubber tube and told us to blow slowly. We watched as out balls took on shape (with the help of the blowers with his wet newspaper and paddles. He then placed it in some fluffy stuff, snapped off the pipe and the other blower then brought over a rod with molten glass to fashion the hanging loops. She then took the finished ball to the annealing oven to slowly cool down. The glass bowls were similarly made except after the balls was formed, the blower instructed the blowee to suck causing the ball to collapse into itself. It was then placed on a small glob of glass to make a stand.

Of course with all this came the usual remarks about blow jobs. Hey there were cops here, they can be very raw in their humor (well, so can I so I was in good company). There was the reference to the classic SNL Chevy Chase line about blowing. The usual, "I can't get her/him to blow at home." You get the drift. The female blower said that male blowers love this job as they get to tell women to blow on command.

We had fun and can't wait to see our balls, cooled and able to be handled.

Happy Birthday to Rob!

I spent the week preparing for a huge event. My husband is 50! I had asked him months ago if I could throw him a party - just not a surprise party. I think after a certain age, you find that surprises lose their thrill.

Rob got really into it. He make a list of everyone he wanted to invite. I threw in a few of my friends that I like having around and we had our list. I sent out the evites and he called his parents who still refuse to use the computer his brother got them. Potentially we could have had about 55 guest, we had 37 RSVP's and 30 who actually came. A nice sized group.

So friday comes, I'm armed with my lists of what needs to be done. I give Rob the task of getting the family room in order while I tackled the living room, dining room, kitchen and bath. And I needed to prepare the food. Mostly the house was looking good, but I wanted it to look great as most of these people were from Rob's work and I don't want his co-workers to think our house looks anything different than what it does when we have guests. So the place looks great, I'm feeling especially proud and one of my friends shows up and she exclaims, "I love your house when it's clean" I'm franticly looking around to see who heard as now everyone knows we are slobs. Oh well, that's the way it goes.

The party was great. We had some great food, lots of beverages and great people. Quite the mix of cops and spouses, old drum corp friends, family and newer friends. Rob has been thanking me over and over again for his party. He was like a 6 year old for weeks. He was really looking forward to it. So was I, I love a good party and I was hoping to make a dent in all the leftover booze from the wedding. I'm going to have to have another party. We still have too much booze (if such a thing is possible?) I need to have an excuse to make more Articoke Dip.....mmmmmm!

Life can be SHIT (graphic)

This post is about Shit. Who gives a Shit? I had a Shitty day. Ah Shit! Shit happens. See how Shit is everywhere?

When my kids got out of diapers I thought I was pretty much done with Shit. At least I would be able to keep my Shit to myself. But then I hit 50 and Shit became important again. Colon screening is now a part of life.

A couple weeks ago, my doctor hands me an envelope with these cute little cards with a hinged cover. Under the cover were 2 boxes for smear samples. Also include were special papers and sticks. These are Pooh sticks. Of course the only Pooh sticks in my life before were the ones you drop off a bridge and watch float down a stream. So ever a rule follower, I read the directions and prepare for 3 days of Shit.

Day one, I flush as instructed, place special paper in toilet and do my business. The paper is suppose to help float your Shit in the toilet out of the water so you can take your sample with your Pooh stick. Every other day of my life, my Shit floats and it takes a day of flushing to get that sucker down. Not today, Shit sinks to the bottom and I put my Pooh stick away until the urge hits again.

Day 2, well, really Day 1 again. This time I turn to Glad and use a nice disposable container. I get my sample with my Pooh stick. Clean up the mess. The next 2 days run smooth. And yes, I did dispose of the Glad ware.

After I turn in my samples, I get the results and everything looks fine. This news prompts Dr. S to order more tests because you just don't know what kind of evil lurks in your ass until you can get someone to poke around in there. I had just taken Rob in for a colonoscopy, so I knew the drill, drink the drano, they knock you loopy and smile, you're on candid camera. But that's too easy for me, I get to have a flexible sigmoidoscopy. Since this is a minimally invasive procedure, joy of joys, I don't have to drink the drano, I get to self administer an enema. 3 enemas set an hour apart, then off to get my colon scoped.

The day before my Shitty day, I get a phone message from my HMO. The machine cuts off so I don't get the message. I call back and I can't find anyone to tell me why they called. No one calls back, I figure it's just the curtsy call reminding me of my appointment.

Today, Shit day, I prep my room for possible disasters, covering my new bed to protect it from leakage. I consider covering the wall in direct line to where my ass will be facing and perhaps the ceiling in case of projectile Shit. This has happened to me before. My lovely mother, may she rest in peace, was a firm believer in an active bowel was a happy bowel. She was always asking me and my sister if we had gone Shit that day. If we hadn't, we were on Shit alert. After 2 days, it was time for mom to get the Shit out. She would fill the enema bag with warm soapy water, hang if from the shower curtain rod and have me remove my pants and lean into the tub. Next was the Vaseline and then the nozzle was inserted. Sounds like something out of Sybil but it did it's job. One time, mom had to leave the room right after the enema flowed. I can't remember if it was the door or the phone, but she left me leaned over the tub and instructed me to stay there and she would be right back. She didn't come right back. I'm sure I tried to keep the Shit it. But that day the Shit hit the fan, and the walls, and just about everywhere. Shit Happens.

So my room is all prepped. I've read the instructions, I checked out the cute pictures of how to and how long to hold it. It was not a pretty sight. I was not able to hold it in the required 5-10 minutes. About the 3 minute mark, I'm thinking that I really should have covered the walls and ceiling. I roll off the bed and head the few feet to my bathroom. I left a trail and I'll be mopping and using Resolve for days. I wait an hour and try it again. This time it's even shorter but I make it to the bathroom without incident. Great only 1 more to go, when the phone rings. It's the doctor's office wanting to know if I got the message that my appointment needs to be rescheduled. I laugh hysterically and explain how far along I am in my preparations. The nurse is very nice and says that they will waive my co-pay to make up for the inconvenience and asks when would I like to reschedule. She did say the purging one's bowels was healthy so it wasn't a total waste. I have only one thing to say - Bull Shit!

Happy Birthday, the Big 50!

I decided some time last year that I wanted a big deal made out of my birthday. I wanted a party and I didn't want to plan it myself. I didn't want a surprise party, I just wanted someone to do it for me, like Rob.
I love Rob, but he isn't the most creative sort so I know that throwing a party would be trying for him. I didn't think he could do it. So I hinted to my friends to help him out. Basically I said, don't let Rob screw this up! Take it over and make it good. So Mary and Amy did just that, along with help from a few others. They decided to make it a surprise. Of course I've got to know if anything is happening as I don't trust Rob to do anything or to just have a cake and my sisters over. I had given him specifics that I wanted all my friends to come, to have good food and drinks. So I asked him, if I needed to do anything - like plan it myself, which I would have done if needed. He kind of looked uncomfortable and said I didn't need to do anything.
Soon there was a news blackout. None of my friends are communicating with me. Especially Mary, which is weird as we spend half our day talking or emailing. So this makes be suspicious and relieved. So I start making Mary's life miserable. I keep calling her and emailing and she keeps trying to avoid me. I whine to her that I'm sure I can't count on Rob to do a party so I'm going to plan one for the 12th, knowing that she is going to be gone that weekend.
She finally breaks down and invites me to go out to dinner with her on the 5th, and bring Rob and my sister Caroline who is visiting. Next thing I get is some weird invitation from Amy to come to her house that same night for a couples dinner to celebrate good friends. Mary says that that sounds like more fun than dinner out. I'm like, "but I doubt Caroline will want to go and hang with strangers". So I try and drive everyone nuts knowing now that there will be a party and it will be either at Mary's or Amy's. So come Saturday morning, I send Mary and email that I'm really tired and not feeling great, so we might not be able to get together. And I tell this to Rob too, who starts to look sick himself.
Its now time to go to "pick up Mary" and I get changed and put on makeup - gotta look nice! And we head over to Mary's whose driveway is packed with cars. "Gee", I say, "what could be going on!?!" Surprise!! And it was a great party, the surprise was that they did invite all my friends. I had a wonderful time, the best party I have ever had. I'm so lucky to have such wonderful friends and I will have to do the same for them when the time comes.